The Bachelorette

Nobody in the house, not even the most whipped of boyfriends (cough, Howie, cough), has ever spent a single second watching The Bachelor or one of its many imitators. The boys can definitely respect the concept though. Nothing says true love like dating as many women as possible at the same time and humiliating them one by one in an elimination style tournament televised worldwide. The show's detractors say it celebrates untalented and shallow fame whores, but if this blog stands for anything it's glorifying the mediocrity of self-centered underachievers.

The guys want in on this action. If any big wigs over at ABC are reading this right now, 3 Floors 10 Doors has your whole next season of The Bachelorette planned out for you. A definitely not insane, certainly not brainless, and hopefully not picky bombshell moves into a house with 10 of the Bronx's most eligible studs and let the sparks fly. Here's a breakdown of how each of the guys would attempt to woo the lucky broad: 

First Cuts

Heisenberg- Voluntarily leaves the show within the first five minutes after seeing the super model bachelorette and deciding she's not even that hot. He's been brainwashed for so long that he's borderline asexual when it comes to other girls. The audience will love it though. Such a power move to diss the bachelorette on day one. 

Razor- Will restore the woman's confidence and provide the audience with comedic relief as he professes his love for her via poem. It will be so cheesy and embarrassing that he will be cut before he even gets to the part about loving her wacky socks. 

Boris- Convinces the girl to come back to his room on the first night but she panics and runs away once she realizes his room is a futon inside of a closet. After the first episode airs, the KGB recognizes him and he's immediately deported. 

Second Cuts

Howie- Attempts to execute the D.E.N.N.I.S. System that he picked up on from watching countless hours of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. He quickly fails at step one (demonstrating value) when the bachelorette realizes he provides absolutely no value besides giving obscure nicknames to his roommates that make no sense. 

Ron- Goes with the classic approach of being as mean as possible to the girl until she likes him which totally worked on his 7th grade girlfriend but has been extremely unsuccessful ever since. It's shockingly effective for about a week until the bachelorette drops him when she discovers he organized a house pool to gamble on the winner of the show. 

Bosh- Decides that talking as much as possible about how much money he's going to make at his hotshot banking job is the best attack plan. Unfortunately, this is the wrong move as a woman on reality television would NEVER be interested in money over finding a real emotional connection. 

Meatballs- Really hits it off well with the bachelorette and it seems like they have something special. He blows it though when on their two week anniversary, he decides to celebrate by making frozen dinner for the two of them to share in the kitchen while everyone else watches and heckles him from the living room. The women in the audience are disgusted by his lack of chivalry and in hindsight he realizes he should have taken her out to eat for the nice meal she deserves.

Finals 

Thor- Made it to the final round because the show runners had to keep the only in-shape house member around to satisfy the female fan base. His inability to read and form words ultimately doom him in this competition, although that apparently makes him an ideal candidate to be next season's Bachelor. 

Sanchez- The fan favorite of the season. What girl wouldn't cheer for the nice, sweet guy who treats the bachelorette right at every stage of the contest? He's a real life Prince Charming who just wants to give his dream girl the fairy tale wedding she's been fantasizing about her whole life. Unfortunately, this is the real world and nice guys finish last. She crushes his heart and an entire nation of women who have done the exact same thing at some point in their lives fake outrage and shock over the decision. 

Steve- This was never really a competition. Ladies love the bad boy. Steve, who goes exclusively by Beer Drinker now, wins the bachelorette's heart on day one with the North Face vest and dad jeans combo that has induced butterflies for countless women before her. She proposes lustily and he accepts, only to leave her stranded at the altar on their wedding day. He tried giving her a chance but she could never compare to his cougar neighbor Brandii and their illegitimate son, Buster, that he has been hiding all season. Plot twist of the century.