It's All Over

Switching things up for my last post here. I (Ron if you haven't figured that out yet) thought I should wrap up the blog and talk a little about graduation. May 17th, aka the end of the world, is only a week away and I've had plenty of time to think about what that means. I'm not overly emotional about the whole process and I don't feel some huge sense of accomplishment. Millions of people graduate from college and I've overcome zero impressive obstacles to do so. I've lived a comfortable life and performed spectacularly mediocre throughout my academic career. Any time I was assigned any real work I spent more time complaining about it than actually completing it. I used Walsh Library more for its luxurious handicapped stall with a private sink than I did for studying. So when they finally hand me my diploma, I'll be too focused on not puking and embarrassing my mom to be proud of myself.

Now, while I won't be tweeting #blessed and sticking it to "all the haters who doubted me" during graduation, I will be thinking about all the dumb stuff we did here. From a fun standpoint, college was all it was advertised to be and I have a lot of people to thank for that. Here's my unnecessary list of people and inanimate objects I'm thankful for at Fordham:

Chandler Parsons (the hottest best friend a guy could ask for), Randy Houser, the Isley Bros, and 2 Live Crew (musical geniuses and the reason we have a 0% chance of getting our security deposit back), the Degenerate Seniors Who Graduated Last Year (you taught me too well), Downy Wrinkle Release (I'll never have to learn to iron clothes) Teachers Who Never Took Attendance (self explanatory), Bellini's and Healthy Fresh (CBR's and SEC's), Skyler, Her Trusty Sidekick Kim Possible, and The Groupies (without you at our house every weekend we would have felt like huge losers), JFK, Johnny Football, and Jordan Belfort (true role models), Jim Lahey and Randy Bobandy (drunk cheeseburger eating bastards), Garnier-Fructis (your hair gel is just exquisite) and Our Realtor (just kidding we aren't paying our last two months rent and plan on destroying this dump this week)

And of course the boys:

Heisenberg
It's only right to start with the guy I've lived with for four years now. Thanks for putting up with the worst roommate imaginable for so long. My time at Fordham just wouldn't have been the same without you. If we weren't randomly put together freshman year I wouldn't even be in this house and would probably be dead in a ditch by now. We've lost countless beer pong games together but at least we had great team chemistry. Let me know if you ever need help picking out Skyler a ring, I know a guy who can get us a discount.

Sanchez
The only guy besides Heisenberg to agree to live with me for two full years. Thanks for always waiting until I was too drunk to pay attention to start using your iPod to DJ. There's no one in the house who was better to recap the weekend with in the living room on a Sunday morning, mostly because you were the only one who actually remembered everything, but still you get the point. Nobody is more loyal to the house and I know that even if I didn't see you again for 20 years you'd still remember to do the handshake.


Razor
Thanks for forming the most lethal pick-and-roll duo the Fordham intramural scene has ever witnessed, despite the fact that your foul shooting may or not be the main reason my fingers aren't littered with championship rings. Without you in the house, we may have formed a Ronald Reagan worshipping cult and I'm not sure if I'm thanking your for this or hating you for it. You may have peaked in the biz too soon but take solace in the fact that Poopkeepsie is cinematic perfection.

Boris

You animal. Thanks for being the wildcard of the house and making me feel better about myself whenever I thought I hit rock bottom with my greasiness. You are so foreign and Russian it creeps me out, along with every American girl you have encountered this year. I will be telling your stories to people for the rest of my life. If things don't work out with marrying your Russian model cousin so she can get her green card, let me know bro, I got you. 

Bosh
Thanks for not judging me when I asked you what you were doing tonight and you'd name like five parties you were going to and I'd just nod my head and act like I was also invited to them even though I had no clue what you were talking about. Late night Workaholics and Bar Rescue marathons with the Big 3 downstairs crew will absolutely be missed. Hopefully you remember who I am in a couple years when I need to borrow some money.


Howie
I legitimately don't know what I'm gonna do when people are calling me by my real name instead of LRB.  Thanks for your outrageous contrarian arguments that make no sense and for teaming up on Meatballs whenever necessary. No one is better at publicly ridiculing me relentlessly while also being #TeamWaffles and having my back at the same time. You are the living and breathing Stevie Janowski and I pray you name your first son Spurgeon. 

Thor
Thanks for making me feel safe every night with only your beefiness and Thor hammer protecting our house. Your movie taste is questionable at best, I am still not positive you can read, and you exposed my Napolean complex to the rest of the world, but at least you were always ready to chug whiskey like a friggin' gorilla whenever I needed someone to bring the vibes up. That's the kinda guy I want protecting my country.

Meatballs
My ultimate rival. Thanks for being down to compete against me in every single stupid game we ever played. I hate to admit it but you kicked my ass most of the time. Some of the best memories of my life happened because I had you across the table chanting in my face about how much I suck. You may only be able to handle two beers but at least you are as fun as possible for those two before sprinting to the bathroom to puke.

Steve
Ahhh Big C. Beer Drinker. Home Run Hitter. Poop Shoe. Keith Stone. The star of the blog. My right hand man. Without you in the house, I would have probably been sucked into the girlfriend loving cult and lost all dignity as a man. Thanks for never punching me in the face all the times you threatened me, it probably would have hurt. In a year we went from introducing ourselves to each other at a party at our own house to the most unstoppable tag team Mugz's has ever seen. There's no one I'd rather have pour a beer on my head. I look forward to your rise to fame and the texts giving me all the greasy details.

So that's it, I guess. Thanks to everyone who read the blog, especially the people who didn't just read it for a class requirement. It was pretty cool that a few people actually cared enough to read about us idiots. I don't know where we'll all go from here. Every guy in the house has ridiculous potential to do big things in the future and it will be funny to see the clowns I hung out with grow up to be fully functioning adults. I don't care about graduating, I won't miss classes or the bars, and I won't even miss excessively drinking until I pee my pants, but I will miss my brothers. 2414 Hughes 'til I die. Sing it Randy...

Awards

In the coming weeks, seniors around the country will be rewarded for four years of hard work and dedication at their respective graduation ceremonies. The achievements are impressive and deserve recognition. Anyone willing to put in the time and effort to be the best at what they do should be proud of themselves.

In reality though, who cares? Anyone outside of the immediate family of an award winner will be completely apathetic to the entire ceremony. Five years from now you can guarantee no one will remember the 2014 Fordham University "Francis R. Favorini Italian Achievement Award" winner but you better believe people will remember the time Steve poured a full beer on his head, flexed for the babes, and leaped from the couch to the coffee table, completely shattering the wooden furniture with the power of his man meat.

If you spent 100% of your time in college focused on school work, good for you. You're probably going to be wildly successful in whatever you do. You missed out, though. There's legitimate value in being a piece of shit and embarrassing yourself in public sometimes. What's the point of getting the perfect job, finding that swanky apartment in the city, and climbing the corporate ladder if at the end of the day there's no one around to make fun of you for your horrifying history of Mugz's girls? So here's the awards for guys who will not be recognized on graduation day but will be dozing off in the crowd, incredibly hungover and shameful:

Biggest Snake- Meatballs

Shockingly not a sexual pun, this award goes to the most successful fake nice guy of all time. Nobody openly dislikes Meatballs, with the exception of every single one of his roommates. He has somehow tricked the rest of the world into thinking he's a great guy, but the boys know he will stab you in the back to win a meaningless card game and thoroughly enjoys seeing his friends fail. You can't really hate on his style though, snake it til you make it.


Most Likely To Be Put On Trial For War Crimes-Thor

Sure, it would be great to see Thor go on to achieve his dream of becoming a Navy SEAL, saving American lives and protecting innocent people worldwide. Realistically though, it's much more likely that he exercises his roid rage with an AK-47 on an innocent bystander who looks at him funny and ends up in prison. Patriotism!

Most Nagging Nagger- Howie

Howie is the master of annoying the crap out of his roommates. Whether it's peer pressure, sexual harassment, or just general shaming, Howie will get on your nerves until you give in to his demands no matter what the cost. Even physical violence doesn't deter him as that's just an excuse for him to start tickling you and making you feel even more uncomfortable.

Most Likely To Get Divorced First-Ron

Ron will not be having a grad party this summer but that has not stopped him from planning his next big post college bash. 10-15 years from now, after his genius invention Butt Deodorant makes him filthy rich, he has vowed to divorce his first wife, who clearly married him for the dough, to upgrade to a younger model. To celebrate this glorious occasion (he obviously will make her sign a prenup) the boys will reunite in Vegas for the divorce party of a lifetime.


Greasiest Bastard- Boris

Being greasy is what this house is all about. Greasiness comes in all shapes and sizes but it really just means you're willing to be as dirty/shady as possible to have fun. It's as low maintenance as it gets. Boris drinks forties and cheap Russian vodka, he's had a black eye for like six months, he takes job interviews across the country for positions he has no interest in, just to get an all expenses paid vacation, and he frequents the local Mexican restaurant that illegally turns into a bar on weekends. That's grea-hee-heesy.

Most Likely To Hyphenate His Last Name- Heisenberg

No surprises here. Heisenberg is slowly counting down the days until he becomes Mr. Skyler White. It's his destiny. He'll probably just marry her on Ron's divorce trip to Vegas to avoid paying for a reception but if not, hopefully they'll allow the guys to bring couches to stand on for more aggressive dancing.

Most Popular- Bosh

"Hey guys just so you know you probably won't be seeing me for three straight days this weekend. So many parties I need to hit." At this point the rest of the house just feels #blessed whenever Bosh graces them with his presence. He's got so many friends and events that it's really nice of him to hang around the little people every once in a while. Usually just to sleep, but still. 

Liberal-est Liberal- Razor

Also known as the Barry Obama award. Razor should be commended for his commitment to socialism  and equality for all people, even the lazy ones. Riding his scooter around instead of a car has saved countless trees. If you want to find him on campus he loves nothing more than hanging on Eddie's with the rest of his people, probably kicking a hackey sack around and blaming his problems on George W. Bush.

Also, Razor is the winner of the "Junior Soprano/Jon Snow Award" for best taste in food.

The Steven Spielbro Award-Sanchez

Without Sanchez, the Snapchat world would be completely ignorant to the debauchery that occurs inside the 3 Floors 10 Doors domicile. He has mastered the art of capturing Ron screaming at everyone to shut the hell up during the "a little bit softer now" part of "Shout" and his video collection is a bonafide contender to take down the Best Documentary award at next year's Oscars.


Most Likely To Be Famous- Steve

You had to see this one coming. The hair, the swagger, the beer belly. The kid is the ultimate triple threat. Not to mention the golden voice that will be floating from your television speakers for years to come. Unfortunately, his roommates will ultimately be his demise as they have vowed to destroy him by leaking his deepest darkest secrets (mainly his love child with Brandii).  No matter what the guys leak though, it's doubtful that the ladies will ever be able to resist his carnal vibes.

We're Broke

The last month of the semester is stressful for a number of reasons. Your professors are assigning work like they teach the only class that matters, you're scrambling last minute for a job, and summer is a lot less appealing knowing that you'll either be stuck in cubicle hell or heading straight to grad school. Oh yeah, and you have no money.

Technically not everyone is poor, just those that prioritized the freedom to go out on Tuesdays and Thursdays over picking up an internship to keep them afloat throughout the year.  Naturally, a significant portion of the house falls into the broke category. It doesn't help that Fordham provides a plethora of last minute events for seniors in order to squeeze every last drop of cash out of the kids before they graduate (at which time Fordham immediately begins hassling the new alumni with opportunities to "give back" to the school). Also, what better way to appreciate the seniors' parents than asking them to shell out $240 on a dinner the night before graduation?

Colleges scamming money out of students isn't exactly a new concept though, and the boys of 3 Floors 10 Doors definitely deserve plenty of the blame for their own poverty. Here's how they have been attempting to maintain their lavish lifestyle while ballin' on a budget. 

1. Pillaging the couch cushions for spare change.

Steve, Ron, and Howie hit rock bottom this weekend trying buy their beer for the night. Steve paid with gold dollars from the metro north, Ron bought his Natty Light with quarters, and Howie got denied trying to use an expired American Express gift card. Being too poor for a bodega known for its numerous stabbings is as greasy as it gets.

2. Recalling old debts.

Usually generous and carefree spenders, the guys can now be heard asking each other, "Remember that time in October when I paid for your $2.50 subway ride? That's been gaining interest ever since." Everyone is also convinced that Razor, who is in charge of collecting the monthly electric bill, has been skimming off the top all semester to pay for froyo dates with his lady. 

3. Don't ask, don't tell.

Are these plastic cups that have been scattered on the disgusting floor for a month clean? It's none of your business now shut up and let's play flip cup. Heisenberg would rather chug directly from the toilet rather than pony up the few bucks to buy new cups. Meatballs knows he's gonna puke after a few beers anyway so who cares if there's some mold in there?

4. Know your deals.

$7.50 twelve packs at Habibi and $4 cheesesteaks at the bodega on 187th and Cambreleng are the staples of a cheap and chubby budget-oriented Fordham student's diet. The guys are willing to drink the cheapest, sassiest liquor around and "dinner" is usually different combinations of poisonous, microwavable, processed slop. Spring Break is over, so health is no longer an issue. If he dies, he dies. At least die with some dignity and go out doing what you love, being a total slob and drinking expired beer.


5. Accepting Charity

After googling several variations of "how to collect welfare" the guys have decided to implore any generous souls to donate to their cause. They pinky swear it won't go directly to booze. The boys will accept checks, credit, PayPal, Venmo, Bit Coins, Schrute Bucks, Beanie Baby/Pokemon card collections, or just Straight Cash Homie.



Hopefully the house will be able to fight through these tough times but as the great philosopher and CEO, Birdman, once eloquently stated, "Can't pay my rent cause all my money's spent, but that's OK cause I'm still fly. Brrrrrrr."

PS- This song is basically a 2002 version of Macklemore's "Thrift Shop" except it's awesome and doesn't cater to the ears of 12 year old suburban white girls. 

The End is Near

For months, graduation seemed so distant and unfathomable that it was never a real concern. Everyone recognized that as seniors, time was limited, but May 17th was the least of the boys' worries. There was too much fun ahead of them and too many obstacles to hurdle before that dreaded day would come. The guys had all the time in the world.

Over the past few weeks, that mentality has completely evaporated. Each passing day is a constant reminder of how close they truly are to giving up their fantasy lives and stepping into the real world. In five short weeks, society will consider the boys full fledged adults. The clock is ticking. It's officially panic time.

Here's how each of the roommates are handling their impending doom:

Boris- might be over-embracing the notion that this is his last chance to go crazy and try new things. On an unrelated note, it's probably best if you keep your significant other out of his sight for the next few weeks.

Sanchez- befriending as many freshmen as he can so he has an excuse to come back as much as possible. Also, considering quitting his internship because he's been missing intellectually valuable couch debates on crucial topics such as "would you rather have nose-shaped fingers or a finger-shaped nose?"

Howie- secretly enjoying everyone's state of panic because graduation is a peer pressurer's dream. He can basically talk his roommates into anything now by guilting them with how little time they have left together: "You're really doing homework on a Monday night? On our fourth to last Monday ever? Just have a few beers on the deck before you start."

Thor- conveniently transferred to UConn with his girlfriend days before they won the National Championship. He can name zero players on the team, but the UConn community accepted him for his ability to single handedly flip cars during their post game riots.

Heisenberg- to the delight of the rest of the house he has gone out more in the past semester than he had in the previous 7 combined. It doesn't actually make sense though since he'll be going to school for essentially the rest of his life.

Ron- been a bit unstable lately. Only leaves the house for chicken/bacon/ranch slices from Bellini's or to torture himself at Mugz's. Either way he's back in five minutes. On weekends, he can be found dancing on the couches and assaulting guests with beer cans while yelling at them for not singing along to "Shout."

Bosh- the only house member douchey enough to talk about his job, Bosh frequently brings up the hypothetical of "which one of us do you think will make a million dollars first?" The rest of the house is eagerly anticipating the day he's arrested for some form of white collar crime.

Meatballs- has wasted so much time on Fordham's Career Link site that he's dangerously close to accepting a position as a professional eater/card dealer. Also, he recently purchased tickets to see Les Miserables live in theater because "I'm gonna be miserable the rest of my life anyway, might as well get a head start now."

Razor- contracted a rare form of Senioritis that involves Bronchitis, Diarrhea, and goofy lankiness. Spends most of his free time jealously critiquing the twitter accounts of his more successful peers in the media biz.

Steve- actually has been very calm about the end of his college career. Fame awaits him. These peasants will one day worship him. Always humble, Steve's only concern is how he can let as many women as possible get a piece of him before he departs, because it will be "something they can tell their grandkids someday".

Chazzing

Spending too much time locked inside with the same 10 guys in a disgusting house is dangerous for a number of reasons. For starters, there's a very strong chance 3 Floors 10 Doors was the breeding ground for the mumps outbreak at Fordham. The school wide virus and complete ineptitude of the Fordham Health Center is a story for another day, though. Today it's time to talk about a much more deadly epidemic that's been spreading through the house lately, known as Chazzing.

A Chaz is essentially a straight guy who frequently hangs out with a group of girls but has never and will never hook up with any of them. He's unintentionally "just one of the girls". 

Now there's absolutely nothing wrong with being friends with girls. Every normal guy that isn't a complete psychopath has girl friends. However, in a house of borderline chauvinistic men who love nothing more than tearing each other down, spending too much time with the ladies is a dangerous road to go down. It's completely childish, but it is unbearably embarrassing for an overly proud manly man to be called out for an act of Chazzing. It should be noted that this is not a term the guys invented, but one they have recently embraced and developed into more specific categories to better explain the phenomenon:

DJ Chazzy Jeff

"The Friends' Girlfriends Guy"

This type of Chaz spends more time hanging out with his friends' girlfriends than he does with his actual guy friends. One of the chazziest chazzes out there, DJ Chazzy Jeff doesn't even realize how unacceptable his behavior is and is blissfully ignorant to his crimes. Lately, if you want to know what Heisenberg is doing this weekend you're better off asking Sanchez. In all likelihood, he probably already made plans with Heisenberg's girlfriend during one of their many text convos. 

Chaz Michael Murray

"The Too Many Similar Interests Guy"

Chaz Michael Murray has way too much in common with a typical girl. His friends look on in disgust as he babbles to a group of ladies about the Kristin/Stephen/LC love triangle on Laguna Beach (Team LC 4 Lyfe!)  He's not using his extensive knowledge on popular girl topics to manipulate his way into their hearts but is perfectly content with their friendship. Ron is such a Chaz Michael Murray sometimes it's tough to witness. He watches Nashville religiously, creates handshakes with different girl friends, and on Friday nights can regularly be found dancing on the couches to One Direction.  He's passed the point of no return. 

Chaz Finster

"The Picture Guy"

Every weekend, Chaz Finster has a full blown photo session with his chicks. He doesn't care if he's their slave cameraman or front row center in the pics as long as they end up on Facebook and get AT LEAST 20 likes. Steve is undoubtedly the Chaz Finster of the house. He has perfected his corny smile and head tilt so well it's alarming. Last weekend he was asked to take a random group of Fordham girls' picture in Howl and spent so much time trying to get the perfect shot that by the time he turned back to his friends they had all gone home. That's the price you pay when you Chaz. 

Chaz OchoCinco

"The Social Media Guy"

Not to be confused with the picture guy, Chaz OchoCinco's interactions go way deeper than simple Facebook pictures. He loves tweeting, instagramming, and snapchatting all of his platonic female companions. He may even have a secret Pinterest set up, planning his perfect wedding. In a shocking revelation this past weekend, it was uncovered that Meatballs has been a closet Chaz OchoCinco for months, and maybe even years. His #1 SnapChat friend is one of his roommates' girlfriends and he sees nothing wrong with repeatedly sending her snaps when they the are in the same room as each other. True BFFs.

Chaz Bono

"The Desperate to Leave the Friend Zone Guy"

The most depressing, and common Chaz is Chaz Bono. The poor guy just cannot catch a break. He's done every single thing he could think of to free himself from the friend zone but the lady is just not having it. Every single man in the history of civilization has been a Chaz Bono at least once in his life. The moment a man goes from excitedly on the hunt for a girl to accepting his status as a permanent Chaz in her life is a sad, sad day. Please ladies, have some sympathy here and remember, only YOU can prevent Chaz Bonos. 

Spring Breakers

Spring Break is essential to senior year. College students across the country need time off from their stressful daily routines of excessive drinking and laziness so they excessively drink and lounge in areas with warmer weather. It's the most hyped week of the college experience. What are often forgotten though are the preparations needed to make Spring Break happen, and the after-effects of such an irresponsible week. Let's take a look at how each house member spent the 3 weeks before, during, and after Spring Break:

Meatballs

Before- Spent the week before Spring Break starving himself to win the prestigious Weight Loss Challenge. 

During- His victory made him extremely cocky and he refused to put on a shirt the entire week in Cancun. When you have an award winning bod, you've earned the right to show off.

After- Now has second degree burns on his shoulder that are ironically too painful for him to even put a shirt back on. 

Howie

Before- Cried all week that he'd be missing out on his group text with Ron and Steve that will one day incriminate them all for various felonies. 

During- Puked every single day like a 14 year old girl who broke into her parents liquor cabinet. Also, was depressed his own girlfriend couldn't come to Cancun so the next best alternative was sexually harassing his friends' girlfriends. 

After- Praying that the various girlfriends' lawsuits don't hold up in court since they occurred in international waters. 

Ron

Before- Extremely bitter that he couldn't make it to Cancun, he resorted to reading everyone stories of the yearly spring break kidnappings and murders that occur.

During- Visited tropical Pennsylvania, on an all inclusive trip to his mom's couch. He lost more money gambling on college basketball than he would have spent if he hadn't cheaped out on the Cancun trip.

After- Hasn't really been the same since Aaron Carter unfollowed him on Twitter. How do you bounce back from that?

Steve

Before- Wouldn't stop talking about the "sexy little tan" he'd be getting while vacationing in Florida with Brandii and their kid. 

During- Sent a selfie to Ron every time he ate a cheeseburger that week. Ten total selfies were sent. 

After- Told everyone in the house to "frig off" and that he's "off the cheeseburgers now". The guys have seen him when he's off the cheeseburgers and that kid is definitely ON the cheeseburgers still.

Bosh

Before- Annoyed the hell out of the rest out of the house by trying to teach himself Spanish in the living room two days before the trip. 

During- Somehow managed to operate on Eastern Standard Time the entire vacation without noticing he was two hours ahead of everyone else.

After- He's in total denial that Spring Break is over and hasn't stopped drinking since. There's a solid chance the next post will be about his inevitable intervention. 

Heisenberg

Before- Tried to find as many ways as possible to not spend money in Cancun. You apparently can put a price tag on fun. 

During- Wore a bathing suit so short it could almost be described as a male thong. Horrifying. 

After- Hopefully regretting allowing his and Thor's girlfriends to take pictures of them jumping in the air and striking girly poses. Have some pride fellas. 

Sanchez

Before- Could not figure out why it was unacceptable to drive his Jeep to Cancun.

During- Trip was completely ruined when he was called ugly by a vicious tour guide named Alejandro.

After- Confidence has been totally shattered ever since and has been spotted several times checking himself out in the mirror muttering various curses about that bully Alejandro. 

Razor

Before- Booked the same trip as everyone else but in a different hotel with a better recycling policy because he's a dirty hipster.

During- Took so many sick pics making quirky faces in the club for Groupie #2's wittily named Facebook album: "It's Called CANcun not CANTcun LOL!!". Who says girls aren't funny?

After- Has explosive diarrhea that spices up the smell of the already rancid house.

Thor

Before- Mostly worried about fitting protein into his carry on bag and if the gym in his hotel would have enough free weights. 

During- Took as many douchey flexing pictures as he possibly could and was mistaken for Rocky Balboa by several Mexicans. 

After- Receiving plenty of deserved insults for his photo sessions and has locked himself in his room to have some "alone time" watching the Hercules trailer on repeat.

Boris

Before-  Was real mysterious about what his actual plans were and was making sure to say goodbye to everyone. Kinda concerning?

During- No clue. Hasn't actually made it back yet or contacted anyone.

After- He's almost certainly dead. RIP. 

The Bachelorette

Nobody in the house, not even the most whipped of boyfriends (cough, Howie, cough), has ever spent a single second watching The Bachelor or one of its many imitators. The boys can definitely respect the concept though. Nothing says true love like dating as many women as possible at the same time and humiliating them one by one in an elimination style tournament televised worldwide. The show's detractors say it celebrates untalented and shallow fame whores, but if this blog stands for anything it's glorifying the mediocrity of self-centered underachievers.

The guys want in on this action. If any big wigs over at ABC are reading this right now, 3 Floors 10 Doors has your whole next season of The Bachelorette planned out for you. A definitely not insane, certainly not brainless, and hopefully not picky bombshell moves into a house with 10 of the Bronx's most eligible studs and let the sparks fly. Here's a breakdown of how each of the guys would attempt to woo the lucky broad: 

First Cuts

Heisenberg- Voluntarily leaves the show within the first five minutes after seeing the super model bachelorette and deciding she's not even that hot. He's been brainwashed for so long that he's borderline asexual when it comes to other girls. The audience will love it though. Such a power move to diss the bachelorette on day one. 

Razor- Will restore the woman's confidence and provide the audience with comedic relief as he professes his love for her via poem. It will be so cheesy and embarrassing that he will be cut before he even gets to the part about loving her wacky socks. 

Boris- Convinces the girl to come back to his room on the first night but she panics and runs away once she realizes his room is a futon inside of a closet. After the first episode airs, the KGB recognizes him and he's immediately deported. 

Second Cuts

Howie- Attempts to execute the D.E.N.N.I.S. System that he picked up on from watching countless hours of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. He quickly fails at step one (demonstrating value) when the bachelorette realizes he provides absolutely no value besides giving obscure nicknames to his roommates that make no sense. 

Ron- Goes with the classic approach of being as mean as possible to the girl until she likes him which totally worked on his 7th grade girlfriend but has been extremely unsuccessful ever since. It's shockingly effective for about a week until the bachelorette drops him when she discovers he organized a house pool to gamble on the winner of the show. 

Bosh- Decides that talking as much as possible about how much money he's going to make at his hotshot banking job is the best attack plan. Unfortunately, this is the wrong move as a woman on reality television would NEVER be interested in money over finding a real emotional connection. 

Meatballs- Really hits it off well with the bachelorette and it seems like they have something special. He blows it though when on their two week anniversary, he decides to celebrate by making frozen dinner for the two of them to share in the kitchen while everyone else watches and heckles him from the living room. The women in the audience are disgusted by his lack of chivalry and in hindsight he realizes he should have taken her out to eat for the nice meal she deserves.

Finals 

Thor- Made it to the final round because the show runners had to keep the only in-shape house member around to satisfy the female fan base. His inability to read and form words ultimately doom him in this competition, although that apparently makes him an ideal candidate to be next season's Bachelor. 

Sanchez- The fan favorite of the season. What girl wouldn't cheer for the nice, sweet guy who treats the bachelorette right at every stage of the contest? He's a real life Prince Charming who just wants to give his dream girl the fairy tale wedding she's been fantasizing about her whole life. Unfortunately, this is the real world and nice guys finish last. She crushes his heart and an entire nation of women who have done the exact same thing at some point in their lives fake outrage and shock over the decision. 

Steve- This was never really a competition. Ladies love the bad boy. Steve, who goes exclusively by Beer Drinker now, wins the bachelorette's heart on day one with the North Face vest and dad jeans combo that has induced butterflies for countless women before her. She proposes lustily and he accepts, only to leave her stranded at the altar on their wedding day. He tried giving her a chance but she could never compare to his cougar neighbor Brandii and their illegitimate son, Buster, that he has been hiding all season. Plot twist of the century. 

Lent

It may come as a shock to some, but the men of the house are not without their flaws (singing in the shower, volunteering too much, etc.). These vices can all be corrected though with some hard work. For 10 good Catholic boys, Lent beginning on Wednesday is the perfect time to start working on these weaknesses. Lent is a time for sacrifice and denying yourself things that make you happy because that's what God wants, or something like that. Here's what each house member should be giving up over the next 40 days:

Meatballs- playing cards. For the past few weeks, every second that he hasn’t been diligently working on his math homework in an academically honest manner, Meatballs has been organizing shady card games with anyone he can find. It’s a real addiction that is no laughing matter since he will be heading to AC this weekend, likely to lose his entire life savings in ten minutes. 

Razor- his high horse. He fancies himself a high brow movie critic and wine connoisseur. However, after a weekend spent getting kicked out of Manhattan bars for greasy behavior and incorrectly guessing every single Oscar winner, it’s time for Razor to finally admit he’s just common street trash.  

Thor- taking his shirt off at parties. It’s freezing outside and the heat in the house barely works. Nobody’s buying his “Is it hot in here or is it just me?” line anymore. 

Ron- texting girls that "don't like him like that". He's been embarrassing himself with this bad habit for months now and above shows a candid shot of him Friday night, desperately attempting to escape the friend zone but being Marshawn Lynch'd. 

Boris-blacking out for entire weekends and claiming someone else peed in his trash can. Pretty self explanatory. 

Howie- barging into people's rooms unannounced. The Kramer of the house, Howie has absolutely no fear when bursting into another man's room. In a dump of a house with doors that don't lock, this often has unwanted consequences. 

Bosh- drinking. This one isn't funny at all. He should really cut back on the drinking. 

Heisenberg- zip-up sweatshirts with no undershirt. In general, the house supports flaunting chest hair, but this move is too savage and diabolical to let slide. Stop scaring the kids, man.

Sanchez- remixes. With the exception of R. Kelly's, "Ignition", never in the history of music has a remix been better than the original version of a song. Despite his insistence that "I swear you'll love it, bro", no one ever actually loves it and everyone just prays he puts on Randy Houser again. 

Steve- smoothness. Yes, you read that correctly. Steve has been so smooth with the ladies lately that it is actually negatively affecting his life. He's been breaking hearts left and right and has decided that he needs to tone down the quick witted humor and suave hair for the good of the Fordham community. He's the hero Fordham girls deserve, but not the one they need right now. 

The Real Oscars

The 86th Academy Awards will be held this Sunday. This gaudy, self serving, and culturally irrelevant excuse to talk about how cool Jennifer Lawrence is will dominate the TV ratings even though everyone will be complaining about how boring it is the entire time. The 3 Floors men are an incredibly lazy bunch that somehow found the time to watch almost every single Oscar nominated movie, so they will also be tuned in and loudly debating their selections. Unfortunately, the Academy doesn't take into account that "Amy Adams had the side-boob of the century" in American Hustle or that "win or lose Leo will always be hotter than McConaughey" so the guys' cultured opinions will be for naught. So instead of dwelling on the biased choices of a bunch of old white guys, let's re-imagine some of these Oscar nominees starring everyone's favorite house.

6 Years a Boyfriend*
Starring Heisenberg/Skyler and Howie/Mrs. Howie. This movie starts out as a cheesy but exciting rom-com as two high school couples meet and fall in love. Eventually though, everyone settles in and literally nothing exciting happens ever again. In year 3, the plot revolves around nightly Skype chats, learning to fart in front of each other, and splitting Valentine's Day dinner checks. The crowd either walks out or falls asleep by year 5 during a Bed, Bath, and Beyond vs. Bath and Body Works debate.

The Wolf of Mugz's
Steve stars in this biopic of a once no-named transfer who rises up to become the most eligible bachelor at the Bronx's most exclusive night club. It was no easy road though. Steve had to shotgun countless 12 packs of Natty Light, tell elaborate lies about his status as an international business man, and backstab his closest friends to achieve Mugz's supremacy. The audience loves the thrilling tale until the last half hour when Steve starts slurring his words and no one understands what he's saying.

Despicable Ron 2
Ron recalls his embarrassing actions of the weekend directly into the camera while waiting for the sheets he peed the night before to dry at the laundromat. He explains that he usually doesn't drink that much, girls usually don't ignore his texts, and that he usually doesn't spend $30 at 7-11 on taquitos, mozzarella sticks, and mini tacos. The crowd does not laugh with him but at him and a few try to retroactively call F.U.E.M.S. on him.

Jordan Buyers Club
Sanchez, dying from his fatal Jordan sneaker addiction, starts selling his collection out of his spotless black Jeep. He's on his deathbed when he sells his final pair, coincidentally to whoever SportsCenter just hired as their newest anchor/babe. They feel a connection, she helps him recover, and they live happily ever after. No one in the audience can resist crying after this corny chick flick.

American Muscle
FBI agent/body builder, Thor, must save the world when President Bosh gets captured by the evil dictator Boris. There's ten car chase scenes, two national monuments destroyed, and plenty of lame catch phrases. The good guy obviously wins the fight. There's a major plot twist though when Thor realizes Bosh wasn't actually captured he just went on a week long bender in Manhattan. The audience wishes they hadn't wasted their time.

*Nobody is actually comparing 12 Years a Slave to a relationship. That would be idiotic and offensive.

Mugz's vs. Howl

Throughout the past four years in the Bronx, several bars have come and gone. Freshman year, Tinkers served its purpose as the first place Fordham students embarrassed themselves in college. Sophomore year, despite shady, neck-tattooed owners, Ziggy's provided a solid alternative and the nickname for the corners of 189th and Arthur (Tri-Bar) actually made sense. Junior year, The Blend quickly rose to prominence due to ample space, expired keg beer, and most importantly, glorious couches surrounding the dance floor. Unfortunately, these former hot spots are now either irrelevant to the average senior or closed for their seedy dealings.

Only two bars have withstood the test of time, Mugz's and Howl at the Moon. Besides hosting Drink Ups that aren't even good deals, the two bars could not be more different. Very few people spend an equal amount of time in both places. At this point of senior year, like it or not, you can probably be classified as either a Mugz's or Howl person. The men of 3 Floors 10 Doors© are no different. They have developed their own preferences while noticing very specific traits of those who frequent each watering hole. Let's take a look at what a Fordham student MIGHT assume if you claim to be a Mugz's or Howl enthusiast.

Howl

Guys:

Being a Howl man first and foremost means you are generally more wealthy than your Mugz's counterparts. You are willing to wait in line in the freezing cold to pay a ridiculous cover charge and consider the nightly shake downs from the high school drop outs bouncers a small price to pay. You are most likely an upperclassman and spend half of your time talking about how the bars in the city that you go to with the other JP Morgan interns have way better craft beers. Your ultimate goal for the night is to circle the dance floor 5-20 times before aggressively dancing on a random girl and hoping a sloppy make out ensues before names are even exchanged.

Razor's Quote: "I just go for the hot dogs."

Girls:

The ladies of Howl are a mix of classy husband hunters and girls showing off the twerking skills they've been practicing in the mirror all week. You are usually incredibly overdressed for a night out in the Bronx and flirt your way out of paying the cover. There's a good chance you've fallen in and out of love with several Fordham athletes from a distance without ever speaking to them. Your ideal night involves provocatively dancing with your friends and acting astonished and repulsed any time a brave guy attempts to butt in. One of your friends will inevitably start crying and force the entire group to leave.

Heisenberg's Quote: "The only girl I've ever spoken to at Howl is my girlfriend so yeah, I'm a fan."

Mugz's

Guys:

The men of Mugz's are low maintenance to a fault. You don't have time for covers and lines because you're a cheap bastard and Suits is too busy creeping girls out to check IDs.  You have accepted that you will have no female interaction for the night. There's a very real possibility you've contracted West Nile virus after one trip to the bathroom. You didn't realize Fordham had a Rugby team and have no idea what they did to justify naming a 2 square foot corner after them. Your dream night involves no one spilling their entire pitcher of beer on your back and no girls paying ten dollars to play Justin Bieber on the jukebox for the next hour.

Ron's Quote- "Have I ever had fun at Mugz's? No. Will I be at Mugz's Friday? Yes."


Girls:

A Mugz's girl is a rare breed. Most of you are only there because you vomited all over the dance floor in Howl last weekend or your boyfriend is bartending. You appreciate the side door and lax re-entry policy because that pack of heaters tucked into your bra isn't going to smoke itself. You can't tell if the guy who just elbowed you in the face was trying to dance with you or desperately trying to escape this hole in the wall. You should be ashamed of yourself any time you hook up with a Mugz's guy. Your perfect night involves leaving as soon as possible and hoping to sneak into Howl.

Steve's Quote- "I'll never understand why more attractive girls don't come to Mugz's. Why be the 20th best looking girl at Howl when you can be the star of the show here? It's simple supply and demand."