The 86th Academy Awards will be held this Sunday. This gaudy, self serving, and culturally irrelevant excuse to talk about how cool Jennifer Lawrence is will dominate the TV ratings even though everyone will be complaining about how boring it is the entire time. The 3 Floors men are an incredibly lazy bunch that somehow found the time to watch almost every single Oscar nominated movie, so they will also be tuned in and loudly debating their selections. Unfortunately, the Academy doesn't take into account that "Amy Adams had the side-boob of the century" in American Hustle or that "win or lose Leo will always be hotter than McConaughey" so the guys' cultured opinions will be for naught. So instead of dwelling on the biased choices of a bunch of old white guys, let's re-imagine some of these Oscar nominees starring everyone's favorite house.
6 Years a Boyfriend*
Starring Heisenberg/Skyler and Howie/Mrs. Howie. This movie starts out as a cheesy but exciting rom-com as two high school couples meet and fall in love. Eventually though, everyone settles in and literally nothing exciting happens ever again. In year 3, the plot revolves around nightly Skype chats, learning to fart in front of each other, and splitting Valentine's Day dinner checks. The crowd either walks out or falls asleep by year 5 during a Bed, Bath, and Beyond vs. Bath and Body Works debate.
The Wolf of Mugz's
Steve stars in this biopic of a once no-named transfer who rises up to become the most eligible bachelor at the Bronx's most exclusive night club. It was no easy road though. Steve had to shotgun countless 12 packs of Natty Light, tell elaborate lies about his status as an international business man, and backstab his closest friends to achieve Mugz's supremacy. The audience loves the thrilling tale until the last half hour when Steve starts slurring his words and no one understands what he's saying.
Despicable Ron 2
Ron recalls his embarrassing actions of the weekend directly into the camera while waiting for the sheets he peed the night before to dry at the laundromat. He explains that he usually doesn't drink that much, girls usually don't ignore his texts, and that he usually doesn't spend $30 at 7-11 on taquitos, mozzarella sticks, and mini tacos. The crowd does not laugh with him but at him and a few try to retroactively call F.U.E.M.S. on him.
Jordan Buyers Club
Sanchez, dying from his fatal Jordan sneaker addiction, starts selling his collection out of his spotless black Jeep. He's on his deathbed when he sells his final pair, coincidentally to whoever SportsCenter just hired as their newest anchor/babe. They feel a connection, she helps him recover, and they live happily ever after. No one in the audience can resist crying after this corny chick flick.
American Muscle
FBI agent/body builder, Thor, must save the world when President Bosh gets captured by the evil dictator Boris. There's ten car chase scenes, two national monuments destroyed, and plenty of lame catch phrases. The good guy obviously wins the fight. There's a major plot twist though when Thor realizes Bosh wasn't actually captured he just went on a week long bender in Manhattan. The audience wishes they hadn't wasted their time.
*Nobody is actually comparing 12 Years a Slave to a relationship. That would be idiotic and offensive.
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