The Real Oscars

The 86th Academy Awards will be held this Sunday. This gaudy, self serving, and culturally irrelevant excuse to talk about how cool Jennifer Lawrence is will dominate the TV ratings even though everyone will be complaining about how boring it is the entire time. The 3 Floors men are an incredibly lazy bunch that somehow found the time to watch almost every single Oscar nominated movie, so they will also be tuned in and loudly debating their selections. Unfortunately, the Academy doesn't take into account that "Amy Adams had the side-boob of the century" in American Hustle or that "win or lose Leo will always be hotter than McConaughey" so the guys' cultured opinions will be for naught. So instead of dwelling on the biased choices of a bunch of old white guys, let's re-imagine some of these Oscar nominees starring everyone's favorite house.

6 Years a Boyfriend*
Starring Heisenberg/Skyler and Howie/Mrs. Howie. This movie starts out as a cheesy but exciting rom-com as two high school couples meet and fall in love. Eventually though, everyone settles in and literally nothing exciting happens ever again. In year 3, the plot revolves around nightly Skype chats, learning to fart in front of each other, and splitting Valentine's Day dinner checks. The crowd either walks out or falls asleep by year 5 during a Bed, Bath, and Beyond vs. Bath and Body Works debate.

The Wolf of Mugz's
Steve stars in this biopic of a once no-named transfer who rises up to become the most eligible bachelor at the Bronx's most exclusive night club. It was no easy road though. Steve had to shotgun countless 12 packs of Natty Light, tell elaborate lies about his status as an international business man, and backstab his closest friends to achieve Mugz's supremacy. The audience loves the thrilling tale until the last half hour when Steve starts slurring his words and no one understands what he's saying.

Despicable Ron 2
Ron recalls his embarrassing actions of the weekend directly into the camera while waiting for the sheets he peed the night before to dry at the laundromat. He explains that he usually doesn't drink that much, girls usually don't ignore his texts, and that he usually doesn't spend $30 at 7-11 on taquitos, mozzarella sticks, and mini tacos. The crowd does not laugh with him but at him and a few try to retroactively call F.U.E.M.S. on him.

Jordan Buyers Club
Sanchez, dying from his fatal Jordan sneaker addiction, starts selling his collection out of his spotless black Jeep. He's on his deathbed when he sells his final pair, coincidentally to whoever SportsCenter just hired as their newest anchor/babe. They feel a connection, she helps him recover, and they live happily ever after. No one in the audience can resist crying after this corny chick flick.

American Muscle
FBI agent/body builder, Thor, must save the world when President Bosh gets captured by the evil dictator Boris. There's ten car chase scenes, two national monuments destroyed, and plenty of lame catch phrases. The good guy obviously wins the fight. There's a major plot twist though when Thor realizes Bosh wasn't actually captured he just went on a week long bender in Manhattan. The audience wishes they hadn't wasted their time.

*Nobody is actually comparing 12 Years a Slave to a relationship. That would be idiotic and offensive.

Mugz's vs. Howl

Throughout the past four years in the Bronx, several bars have come and gone. Freshman year, Tinkers served its purpose as the first place Fordham students embarrassed themselves in college. Sophomore year, despite shady, neck-tattooed owners, Ziggy's provided a solid alternative and the nickname for the corners of 189th and Arthur (Tri-Bar) actually made sense. Junior year, The Blend quickly rose to prominence due to ample space, expired keg beer, and most importantly, glorious couches surrounding the dance floor. Unfortunately, these former hot spots are now either irrelevant to the average senior or closed for their seedy dealings.

Only two bars have withstood the test of time, Mugz's and Howl at the Moon. Besides hosting Drink Ups that aren't even good deals, the two bars could not be more different. Very few people spend an equal amount of time in both places. At this point of senior year, like it or not, you can probably be classified as either a Mugz's or Howl person. The men of 3 Floors 10 Doors© are no different. They have developed their own preferences while noticing very specific traits of those who frequent each watering hole. Let's take a look at what a Fordham student MIGHT assume if you claim to be a Mugz's or Howl enthusiast.

Howl

Guys:

Being a Howl man first and foremost means you are generally more wealthy than your Mugz's counterparts. You are willing to wait in line in the freezing cold to pay a ridiculous cover charge and consider the nightly shake downs from the high school drop outs bouncers a small price to pay. You are most likely an upperclassman and spend half of your time talking about how the bars in the city that you go to with the other JP Morgan interns have way better craft beers. Your ultimate goal for the night is to circle the dance floor 5-20 times before aggressively dancing on a random girl and hoping a sloppy make out ensues before names are even exchanged.

Razor's Quote: "I just go for the hot dogs."

Girls:

The ladies of Howl are a mix of classy husband hunters and girls showing off the twerking skills they've been practicing in the mirror all week. You are usually incredibly overdressed for a night out in the Bronx and flirt your way out of paying the cover. There's a good chance you've fallen in and out of love with several Fordham athletes from a distance without ever speaking to them. Your ideal night involves provocatively dancing with your friends and acting astonished and repulsed any time a brave guy attempts to butt in. One of your friends will inevitably start crying and force the entire group to leave.

Heisenberg's Quote: "The only girl I've ever spoken to at Howl is my girlfriend so yeah, I'm a fan."

Mugz's

Guys:

The men of Mugz's are low maintenance to a fault. You don't have time for covers and lines because you're a cheap bastard and Suits is too busy creeping girls out to check IDs.  You have accepted that you will have no female interaction for the night. There's a very real possibility you've contracted West Nile virus after one trip to the bathroom. You didn't realize Fordham had a Rugby team and have no idea what they did to justify naming a 2 square foot corner after them. Your dream night involves no one spilling their entire pitcher of beer on your back and no girls paying ten dollars to play Justin Bieber on the jukebox for the next hour.

Ron's Quote- "Have I ever had fun at Mugz's? No. Will I be at Mugz's Friday? Yes."


Girls:

A Mugz's girl is a rare breed. Most of you are only there because you vomited all over the dance floor in Howl last weekend or your boyfriend is bartending. You appreciate the side door and lax re-entry policy because that pack of heaters tucked into your bra isn't going to smoke itself. You can't tell if the guy who just elbowed you in the face was trying to dance with you or desperately trying to escape this hole in the wall. You should be ashamed of yourself any time you hook up with a Mugz's guy. Your perfect night involves leaving as soon as possible and hoping to sneak into Howl.

Steve's Quote- "I'll never understand why more attractive girls don't come to Mugz's. Why be the 20th best looking girl at Howl when you can be the star of the show here? It's simple supply and demand."

The Bronx Olympics

The Sochi Olympics kicked off Friday night with an elaborate opening ceremony. This was a great opportunity for Vladimir Putin and Russia to put on a show for the rest of the world and they did not disappoint. Highlights included endangering a small child's life by dangling her hundreds of feet in the air by a string, and a parade of selfie-taking, unrecognizable athletes that live in places too cold for normal sports. Most importantly, they totally nailed the unveiling of the iconic Olympic Rings.

After seeing how quickly and lazily someone could throw together an Olympics, the guys decided they were fully capable of doing the same. Unfortunately, the whole house couldn't make it. Razor was busy at the Masters Agility Championship at Westminster (?). He's rumored to have entered his french poodle named Lorillard into the dog show, only to have her tossed out of the competition due to PED use. Nonetheless, Razor will always love Lorillard more than his roommates.

The finest athletes the Bronx has to offer were brought in to compete in this once in a lifetime event. The competitors who love freedom, the NFL, and worshipping celebrities were placed on Team USA, and those who prefer oppression, losing space races, and names with too many consecutive consonants were placed on Team Soviet Union. 

Team USA- Heisenberg, Howie, Ron, local rapper J-Roc, Groupie #1, and 3 role players.

Team USSR- Thor, Boris (obviously), Meatballs, Sanchez, Groupie #3, Skyler and 2 scrubs.

VS

Meatballs and Ron were chosen by their teammates as captains. Actually, Meatballs was chosen. Ron just taped a piece of paper with a C to his shirt and named himself captain because of his severe Napoleon Complex and need to feel better than his peers. 

Event #1- The Soviets got off to a hot start and sniped off some USA players with their guerrilla warfare cup-flipping tactics. Thor roared, "I MUST BREAK YOU" several times. He was soon thwarted though when Heisenberg, Groupie #1, and J-Roc went bananas mid game (reminding fans of the Bash Brothers and Kenny Wu in the 1994 Junior Goodwill Games) to give the USA a huge lead. The game could have ended in a blowout but Heisenberg felt bad and let Skyler win a few before delivering the finishing blow. 1-0 USA.

Event #2- This was a rapid fire 3 vs 3 shooting contest that required strategy and team chemistry. The description alone should make it obvious who won. The Soviet brutes tried to bully the USA players with an intimidating lineup of Sanchez, Thor, and Meatballs, but Howie went on a Rambo-eque shooting spree to put the USA on his back. 2-0 USA.

Event #3- Things got dicey when what was supposed to be a simple guessing game turned into treachery worse than the 1972 Olympic Basketball Scandal. KGB agent Boris and the conniving Groupie #3 developed a master plan to rig the game in their favor and the US took its first loss of the night. 2-1 USA.

Event #4- This event was a relay race involving all players, designed to test their basic motor skills at a time when very few were still coherent. The Soviets employed more shady tactics, subbing in more "focused" players for their aforementioned scrubs. They overpowered the worn down Americans and tied up the game up at 2-2. 

Event #5- The grand finale. No description is necessary because everyone was too lazy to think of a new game, so they just repeated Event 4. The difference this time though, was that Captain Ron gathered his troops and delivered a speech that will go down in history. Check out the footage...

Needless to say the US destroyed the Commies, established democracy throughout the world, and World Peace was achieved. More importantly though, Team USA will forever cherish the one Gold Medal they now share, which is actually a peanut butter cap, colored in gold, and attached to a lanyard. USA! USA! USA!

Rethinking Women and the Super Bowl

Ever since George Washington and his boys dominated the British, stole the name of their favorite sport, and made it significantly more violent and entertaining, Super Bowl Sunday has been the biggest Man Day of the year in America. They wisely scheduled this event to occur in early February in order to have one last day of happiness before Hallmark's manipulative cash cow known as Valentine's Day. Thus, GW and the fellas established an equilibrium between men and women during the cold month of February that had previously ruined countless relationships. 

Now because Super Bowl Sunday is so important to mankind, it has been widely assumed that women are not intended to take part in, or enjoy, the day to the same extent. As staunch feminists and Title IX supporters, the boys of the house decided to invite some girls over to test this outdated theory during the big game. Now it should be noted that this was an absolutely terrible idea. The house has limited seating space and a TV that is similar in size and HD quality to an Etch-A-Sketch. Nonetheless, this was for science and needed to be done. 

A full hour before game time, the ladies quickly demonstrated their value and proved that they earned their spots on the couch. Each group provided crucial elements to the feast. Skyler and her swarm of boyfriend loving friends started things off with some top notch Mac and Cheese. That was probably enough food for everyone, but the Super Bowl is about America, and America is about gluttony, so the boys persevered. 

The next course was an A+ buffalo chicken dip that lasted about 3 minutes and was made by a girl who may or may not be the house's indentured servant. She cooked, cleaned the bathrooms, and didn't even stay for the game. Great performance. 

The MVP award goes to The Groupies (we're capitalizing that now). They collectively destroyed the entire Weight Loss Challenge with burrito bowls that could put Chipotle out of business. Anyone who actually finished theirs has since put this accomplishment on their resumé. 

If delicious food isn't enough to convince you that women are essential to a Super Bowl party, their hard hitting analysis of the game itself should change your mind. This specific party had a solid mix of girls who regularly watch football and others who were watching their first game of the year. The following quotes kept the game interesting even when the players couldn't:

• "Do people in Denver ever call the Broncos the Bronkies? They should."-Groupie #2 renaming teams before kickoff. 
• "I don't think they should run into each other like that. Football probably hurts." -Groupie #1 solving football's concussion problem.
• "Oh look at the bird! That's like a Harry Potter thing, right?"- Boyfriend girl #1 after a live sea hawk is shown onscreen.
• "The Bronkies just aren't in it to win it. They should try harder"-Groupie #2 with an inspiring halftime speech. 
• "What do you guys think of unmarried couples living together?"-Boyfriend girl #2 sparking a riveting debate for the entire fourth quarter. 

So there you have it. Food and entertainment. Those are the two reasons that females are not only tolerated, but embraced during the ultimate Man Day. Congrats ladies. Can an entire house share the Nobel Prize for this research?