The Bronx Olympics

The Sochi Olympics kicked off Friday night with an elaborate opening ceremony. This was a great opportunity for Vladimir Putin and Russia to put on a show for the rest of the world and they did not disappoint. Highlights included endangering a small child's life by dangling her hundreds of feet in the air by a string, and a parade of selfie-taking, unrecognizable athletes that live in places too cold for normal sports. Most importantly, they totally nailed the unveiling of the iconic Olympic Rings.

After seeing how quickly and lazily someone could throw together an Olympics, the guys decided they were fully capable of doing the same. Unfortunately, the whole house couldn't make it. Razor was busy at the Masters Agility Championship at Westminster (?). He's rumored to have entered his french poodle named Lorillard into the dog show, only to have her tossed out of the competition due to PED use. Nonetheless, Razor will always love Lorillard more than his roommates.

The finest athletes the Bronx has to offer were brought in to compete in this once in a lifetime event. The competitors who love freedom, the NFL, and worshipping celebrities were placed on Team USA, and those who prefer oppression, losing space races, and names with too many consecutive consonants were placed on Team Soviet Union. 

Team USA- Heisenberg, Howie, Ron, local rapper J-Roc, Groupie #1, and 3 role players.

Team USSR- Thor, Boris (obviously), Meatballs, Sanchez, Groupie #3, Skyler and 2 scrubs.

VS

Meatballs and Ron were chosen by their teammates as captains. Actually, Meatballs was chosen. Ron just taped a piece of paper with a C to his shirt and named himself captain because of his severe Napoleon Complex and need to feel better than his peers. 

Event #1- The Soviets got off to a hot start and sniped off some USA players with their guerrilla warfare cup-flipping tactics. Thor roared, "I MUST BREAK YOU" several times. He was soon thwarted though when Heisenberg, Groupie #1, and J-Roc went bananas mid game (reminding fans of the Bash Brothers and Kenny Wu in the 1994 Junior Goodwill Games) to give the USA a huge lead. The game could have ended in a blowout but Heisenberg felt bad and let Skyler win a few before delivering the finishing blow. 1-0 USA.

Event #2- This was a rapid fire 3 vs 3 shooting contest that required strategy and team chemistry. The description alone should make it obvious who won. The Soviet brutes tried to bully the USA players with an intimidating lineup of Sanchez, Thor, and Meatballs, but Howie went on a Rambo-eque shooting spree to put the USA on his back. 2-0 USA.

Event #3- Things got dicey when what was supposed to be a simple guessing game turned into treachery worse than the 1972 Olympic Basketball Scandal. KGB agent Boris and the conniving Groupie #3 developed a master plan to rig the game in their favor and the US took its first loss of the night. 2-1 USA.

Event #4- This event was a relay race involving all players, designed to test their basic motor skills at a time when very few were still coherent. The Soviets employed more shady tactics, subbing in more "focused" players for their aforementioned scrubs. They overpowered the worn down Americans and tied up the game up at 2-2. 

Event #5- The grand finale. No description is necessary because everyone was too lazy to think of a new game, so they just repeated Event 4. The difference this time though, was that Captain Ron gathered his troops and delivered a speech that will go down in history. Check out the footage...

Needless to say the US destroyed the Commies, established democracy throughout the world, and World Peace was achieved. More importantly though, Team USA will forever cherish the one Gold Medal they now share, which is actually a peanut butter cap, colored in gold, and attached to a lanyard. USA! USA! USA!