The Weight Loss Challenge

The majority of the house members will be going on Spring Break in Cancún this year. The only downside to this is that the majority of the house members also have beach bodies similar to Cousin Terio. To combat this issue, the boys have started a Biggest Loser-esque challenge to see who can lose the highest percentage of weight before Spring Break (March 17th).

This challenge has been a constant source of entertainment for the rest of the house. Apparently, eating 3 slices of buffalo chicken pizza is even more satisfying while in front of a friend whose girlfriend plans his diet at Whole Foods. It is also universally accepted that if the guys toned down their drinking, just a bit, they'd be able to drop out of school immediately and get a head start on their male modeling careers. Unfortunately, that's just out of the question. 

*The house groupies are also participating in this contest but no one in the history of mankind has talked about a girl's weight on the Internet and lived to tell the tale, so let's just leave them out of this.

Here's a look at everyone's plan of action and why they have no chance to succeed:

Howie

Strategy- Insanity workout program. He also firmly believes that wearing tank tops around the house in January will somehow trick his body into looking better in them when it's time to shine. 

Why It Will Fail- His chances of completing Insanity are about the same as Kim Kardashian's chances of being canonized by the Catholic Church.

Prediction- Loses 6.8%


Bosh

Strategy-  Looking to get abs that are ripped to shreds just as one would imagine Chris Bosh's to be. 

Why It Will Fail- He's putting absolutely no effort into this. It's almost admirable, really.

Prediction- Gains 0.1%


Heisenberg

Strategy-  Invented his own diet that he only needs to do two days a week.

Why It Will Fail- Seriously, he's only dieting twice a week. 

Prediction- Loses 5.2%

Meatballs

Strategy- No one actually knows what he's doing to lose weight. Really might just be mentally willing the pounds away so he doesn't lose to his girlfriend (Groupie #1).

Why It Will Fail- His nickname is Meatballs. Is it even dieting when your portion sizes would put Joey Chestnut to shame?

Prediction- Loses 6.9%

Razor

Strategy- Almost definitely cheated on the initial weigh-in. Goes for early morning "gym sessions" that are "so cheddar" but have no actual witnesses. Doubling his Guac' intake. 

Why It Will Fail- He will get complacent now that he's locked up his girlfriend (Groupie #2) and will pack on the pounds.

Prediction- Disqualification once evidence of foul play is discovered. 

Sanchez

Strategy- Actually attempting to gain weight so no one confuses him for a lost child. Bacon, Egg and Cheeses with Milkshakes for breakfast. 

Why It Will Fail- Science. It's just not happening. Scrawny for life. 

Prediction- Gains 0.0%

First Party of 2014

Once every few weeks, the guys realize that they have no desire to leave the house and decide to throw a party. Coming to this decision is a complicated process that involves extensive planning along the lines of: "There's nothing to do tonight, let's just have a party", and everyone grunting in agreement. Once that long winded debate is settled, each roommate has a role in spreading the word.

Here's who each roommate is responsible for inviting:

Bosh- The majority of the girls and Chris Bosh.

Heisenberg- His girlfriend (let's call her Skylar) and Skylar's friends who somehow all have boyfriends.

Razor- 10-20 guys who are all a threat to break something in the house. 

Boris- Some local rappers/possible homeless people.

Meatballs- 4 girls who could technically be considered house groupies. 

Thor- 1-2 other large men.

Steve- His friend from home whose Howl conquests have been well documented by innocent bystanders. 

Howie- Honors program girls who are way too smart to talk to any of the guys.

Sanchez-hopefully the future Mrs. Sanchez

Ron-3-5 girls he met one time that have zero chance of actually showing up.

Friday marked the first party of the semester. Let's check out the highlights:

11:00- Not a single person has shown up yet. Everyone starts feeling a little embarrassed even though this happens every party. Fordham definitely holds some national record for the latest starting parties in the country. 

11:15- The girlfriends of roommates and other regulars start filing in. 

11:20- Games start on the table while Ron's playlist, consisting of 80% Rap and 20% One Direction, blares in the living room.

11:30- Everyone breathes a sigh of relief as people who aren't morally obligated to come start showing up. 

11:40- Razor's friends arrive.

11:42- Razor's friends take their first group cigarette break. 

12:00- Ron starts calling his shots in beer pong and proceeds to miss every single one. His loyal teammate Heisenberg is not pleased. 

12:10- Boris disappears with his crew upstairs, most likely to rap battle. 

12:35- Meatballs and Howie peer pressure Steve into challenging one of Razor's friends to a shotgunning contest. They both finish their beers faster than humanly possible but Steve loses on a controversial decision. Needless to say, the babes were still impressed. 

12:46- The playlist is cut off abruptly and the party is silenced. It's time for the house anthem and only country song that ever graces the guys' speakers. Guests are required to sing along at the top of their lungs or are asked to leave immediately. 

1:00- Thor starts hanging out in the kitchen, thus there is no longer room for anyone else in the kitchen.

1:10- Meatballs throws up in the bathroom and blames it on his new diet regimen. Not a single person believes him. 

1:15- The whole party realizes Razor has officially begun dating one of the aforementioned house groupies. Another one bites the dust.

1:25- Steve forgets the name of the girl he's been chatting up on the couch all night. She storms out in disgust. Classic Steve. 

1:45-2:00- The rest of the party slowly starts clearing out searching for greener pastures at the bar where they will inevitably be letdown and forced to stuff their faces with pizza to end the night, again. Ahhh Fordham. 

Meet the Boys

Welcome to 3 Floors 10 Doors! Throughout the spring semester, this blog will chronicle the lives of ten college seniors living together in the Bronx. The names of the roommates (including the author) will be altered to maintain some level of anonymity, as many future posts would shame their parents and render them utterly unemployable. Disappointed parents aside, everything said here is meant in jest and the whole house approves of the idea. 

Let's start off with a quick bio of each guy:

First Floor

Heisenberg

Came out of the womb with a girlfriend. Has spent more time on his homework this week than Ron has in four years. Exclusively watches Spike TV. Somehow snaked his way into the best room in the house. Like, really, really loves his girlfriend. 

Meatballs

Way too nice of a guy to make fun of in this blog. Asks “Are you gonna finish that?” before you even start eating your meal. Still hasn’t finished Breaking Bad. Once had a batch of flatulence that completely ruined a house party.

Razor

Voted for Obama. Uncomfortably tall. Salad eater. Muppets enthusiast. Rides a scooter around the Bronx. Will make an excellent stay-at-home-dad someday.

Second Floor

Thor

Did not vote for Obama. Spends more time lifting than sleeping. Could win a 1 vs 9 fight against the rest of the house. Only watches movies when the fate of the world is at risk. Actually thinks he’s Thor. 

Boris

                                                                     

Possibly  Definitely a Russian Spy. Sleeps in a borderline closet. Frequents Kennedy Fried Chicken. Confuses everyone when he starts talking about hockey.

Steve

Ladies man. Movie Star quality hair. Voice of an angel. Most likely roommate to lose his job over a selfie. Named his room “The Thunderdome”.  Mugzs Hall of Famer. Wears hunting gear. Has never actually hunted.

Sanchez

Helpless romantic. Follows an alarming amount of twitter parody accounts. Would absolutely marry his Jeep if the government would let him. Has more sneakers than the rest of the house combined. Fist pumps on the dance floor and not just to be funny. 

Basement

Ron

Self proclaimed house alpha male.  Top notch chest hair. Has never eaten Chinese food. One Direction’s oldest male fan. Bed wetter extraordinaire. 

Bosh

Huge Chris Bosh fan. Most fashionable member of the house. VIP access to every club in Manhattan. Somehow still uses a desktop computer. Destroys his brain cells with techno music. 

Howie

Overly aggressive tickler. Sense of humor is about as mature as the kids from the AT&T commercials. Holds several iPhone game world records. Makes everyone uncomfortable when he wears his wife beater shirts around the house.