Awards

In the coming weeks, seniors around the country will be rewarded for four years of hard work and dedication at their respective graduation ceremonies. The achievements are impressive and deserve recognition. Anyone willing to put in the time and effort to be the best at what they do should be proud of themselves.

In reality though, who cares? Anyone outside of the immediate family of an award winner will be completely apathetic to the entire ceremony. Five years from now you can guarantee no one will remember the 2014 Fordham University "Francis R. Favorini Italian Achievement Award" winner but you better believe people will remember the time Steve poured a full beer on his head, flexed for the babes, and leaped from the couch to the coffee table, completely shattering the wooden furniture with the power of his man meat.

If you spent 100% of your time in college focused on school work, good for you. You're probably going to be wildly successful in whatever you do. You missed out, though. There's legitimate value in being a piece of shit and embarrassing yourself in public sometimes. What's the point of getting the perfect job, finding that swanky apartment in the city, and climbing the corporate ladder if at the end of the day there's no one around to make fun of you for your horrifying history of Mugz's girls? So here's the awards for guys who will not be recognized on graduation day but will be dozing off in the crowd, incredibly hungover and shameful:

Biggest Snake- Meatballs

Shockingly not a sexual pun, this award goes to the most successful fake nice guy of all time. Nobody openly dislikes Meatballs, with the exception of every single one of his roommates. He has somehow tricked the rest of the world into thinking he's a great guy, but the boys know he will stab you in the back to win a meaningless card game and thoroughly enjoys seeing his friends fail. You can't really hate on his style though, snake it til you make it.


Most Likely To Be Put On Trial For War Crimes-Thor

Sure, it would be great to see Thor go on to achieve his dream of becoming a Navy SEAL, saving American lives and protecting innocent people worldwide. Realistically though, it's much more likely that he exercises his roid rage with an AK-47 on an innocent bystander who looks at him funny and ends up in prison. Patriotism!

Most Nagging Nagger- Howie

Howie is the master of annoying the crap out of his roommates. Whether it's peer pressure, sexual harassment, or just general shaming, Howie will get on your nerves until you give in to his demands no matter what the cost. Even physical violence doesn't deter him as that's just an excuse for him to start tickling you and making you feel even more uncomfortable.

Most Likely To Get Divorced First-Ron

Ron will not be having a grad party this summer but that has not stopped him from planning his next big post college bash. 10-15 years from now, after his genius invention Butt Deodorant makes him filthy rich, he has vowed to divorce his first wife, who clearly married him for the dough, to upgrade to a younger model. To celebrate this glorious occasion (he obviously will make her sign a prenup) the boys will reunite in Vegas for the divorce party of a lifetime.


Greasiest Bastard- Boris

Being greasy is what this house is all about. Greasiness comes in all shapes and sizes but it really just means you're willing to be as dirty/shady as possible to have fun. It's as low maintenance as it gets. Boris drinks forties and cheap Russian vodka, he's had a black eye for like six months, he takes job interviews across the country for positions he has no interest in, just to get an all expenses paid vacation, and he frequents the local Mexican restaurant that illegally turns into a bar on weekends. That's grea-hee-heesy.

Most Likely To Hyphenate His Last Name- Heisenberg

No surprises here. Heisenberg is slowly counting down the days until he becomes Mr. Skyler White. It's his destiny. He'll probably just marry her on Ron's divorce trip to Vegas to avoid paying for a reception but if not, hopefully they'll allow the guys to bring couches to stand on for more aggressive dancing.

Most Popular- Bosh

"Hey guys just so you know you probably won't be seeing me for three straight days this weekend. So many parties I need to hit." At this point the rest of the house just feels #blessed whenever Bosh graces them with his presence. He's got so many friends and events that it's really nice of him to hang around the little people every once in a while. Usually just to sleep, but still. 

Liberal-est Liberal- Razor

Also known as the Barry Obama award. Razor should be commended for his commitment to socialism  and equality for all people, even the lazy ones. Riding his scooter around instead of a car has saved countless trees. If you want to find him on campus he loves nothing more than hanging on Eddie's with the rest of his people, probably kicking a hackey sack around and blaming his problems on George W. Bush.

Also, Razor is the winner of the "Junior Soprano/Jon Snow Award" for best taste in food.

The Steven Spielbro Award-Sanchez

Without Sanchez, the Snapchat world would be completely ignorant to the debauchery that occurs inside the 3 Floors 10 Doors domicile. He has mastered the art of capturing Ron screaming at everyone to shut the hell up during the "a little bit softer now" part of "Shout" and his video collection is a bonafide contender to take down the Best Documentary award at next year's Oscars.


Most Likely To Be Famous- Steve

You had to see this one coming. The hair, the swagger, the beer belly. The kid is the ultimate triple threat. Not to mention the golden voice that will be floating from your television speakers for years to come. Unfortunately, his roommates will ultimately be his demise as they have vowed to destroy him by leaking his deepest darkest secrets (mainly his love child with Brandii).  No matter what the guys leak though, it's doubtful that the ladies will ever be able to resist his carnal vibes.

We're Broke

The last month of the semester is stressful for a number of reasons. Your professors are assigning work like they teach the only class that matters, you're scrambling last minute for a job, and summer is a lot less appealing knowing that you'll either be stuck in cubicle hell or heading straight to grad school. Oh yeah, and you have no money.

Technically not everyone is poor, just those that prioritized the freedom to go out on Tuesdays and Thursdays over picking up an internship to keep them afloat throughout the year.  Naturally, a significant portion of the house falls into the broke category. It doesn't help that Fordham provides a plethora of last minute events for seniors in order to squeeze every last drop of cash out of the kids before they graduate (at which time Fordham immediately begins hassling the new alumni with opportunities to "give back" to the school). Also, what better way to appreciate the seniors' parents than asking them to shell out $240 on a dinner the night before graduation?

Colleges scamming money out of students isn't exactly a new concept though, and the boys of 3 Floors 10 Doors definitely deserve plenty of the blame for their own poverty. Here's how they have been attempting to maintain their lavish lifestyle while ballin' on a budget. 

1. Pillaging the couch cushions for spare change.

Steve, Ron, and Howie hit rock bottom this weekend trying buy their beer for the night. Steve paid with gold dollars from the metro north, Ron bought his Natty Light with quarters, and Howie got denied trying to use an expired American Express gift card. Being too poor for a bodega known for its numerous stabbings is as greasy as it gets.

2. Recalling old debts.

Usually generous and carefree spenders, the guys can now be heard asking each other, "Remember that time in October when I paid for your $2.50 subway ride? That's been gaining interest ever since." Everyone is also convinced that Razor, who is in charge of collecting the monthly electric bill, has been skimming off the top all semester to pay for froyo dates with his lady. 

3. Don't ask, don't tell.

Are these plastic cups that have been scattered on the disgusting floor for a month clean? It's none of your business now shut up and let's play flip cup. Heisenberg would rather chug directly from the toilet rather than pony up the few bucks to buy new cups. Meatballs knows he's gonna puke after a few beers anyway so who cares if there's some mold in there?

4. Know your deals.

$7.50 twelve packs at Habibi and $4 cheesesteaks at the bodega on 187th and Cambreleng are the staples of a cheap and chubby budget-oriented Fordham student's diet. The guys are willing to drink the cheapest, sassiest liquor around and "dinner" is usually different combinations of poisonous, microwavable, processed slop. Spring Break is over, so health is no longer an issue. If he dies, he dies. At least die with some dignity and go out doing what you love, being a total slob and drinking expired beer.


5. Accepting Charity

After googling several variations of "how to collect welfare" the guys have decided to implore any generous souls to donate to their cause. They pinky swear it won't go directly to booze. The boys will accept checks, credit, PayPal, Venmo, Bit Coins, Schrute Bucks, Beanie Baby/Pokemon card collections, or just Straight Cash Homie.



Hopefully the house will be able to fight through these tough times but as the great philosopher and CEO, Birdman, once eloquently stated, "Can't pay my rent cause all my money's spent, but that's OK cause I'm still fly. Brrrrrrr."

PS- This song is basically a 2002 version of Macklemore's "Thrift Shop" except it's awesome and doesn't cater to the ears of 12 year old suburban white girls. 

The End is Near

For months, graduation seemed so distant and unfathomable that it was never a real concern. Everyone recognized that as seniors, time was limited, but May 17th was the least of the boys' worries. There was too much fun ahead of them and too many obstacles to hurdle before that dreaded day would come. The guys had all the time in the world.

Over the past few weeks, that mentality has completely evaporated. Each passing day is a constant reminder of how close they truly are to giving up their fantasy lives and stepping into the real world. In five short weeks, society will consider the boys full fledged adults. The clock is ticking. It's officially panic time.

Here's how each of the roommates are handling their impending doom:

Boris- might be over-embracing the notion that this is his last chance to go crazy and try new things. On an unrelated note, it's probably best if you keep your significant other out of his sight for the next few weeks.

Sanchez- befriending as many freshmen as he can so he has an excuse to come back as much as possible. Also, considering quitting his internship because he's been missing intellectually valuable couch debates on crucial topics such as "would you rather have nose-shaped fingers or a finger-shaped nose?"

Howie- secretly enjoying everyone's state of panic because graduation is a peer pressurer's dream. He can basically talk his roommates into anything now by guilting them with how little time they have left together: "You're really doing homework on a Monday night? On our fourth to last Monday ever? Just have a few beers on the deck before you start."

Thor- conveniently transferred to UConn with his girlfriend days before they won the National Championship. He can name zero players on the team, but the UConn community accepted him for his ability to single handedly flip cars during their post game riots.

Heisenberg- to the delight of the rest of the house he has gone out more in the past semester than he had in the previous 7 combined. It doesn't actually make sense though since he'll be going to school for essentially the rest of his life.

Ron- been a bit unstable lately. Only leaves the house for chicken/bacon/ranch slices from Bellini's or to torture himself at Mugz's. Either way he's back in five minutes. On weekends, he can be found dancing on the couches and assaulting guests with beer cans while yelling at them for not singing along to "Shout."

Bosh- the only house member douchey enough to talk about his job, Bosh frequently brings up the hypothetical of "which one of us do you think will make a million dollars first?" The rest of the house is eagerly anticipating the day he's arrested for some form of white collar crime.

Meatballs- has wasted so much time on Fordham's Career Link site that he's dangerously close to accepting a position as a professional eater/card dealer. Also, he recently purchased tickets to see Les Miserables live in theater because "I'm gonna be miserable the rest of my life anyway, might as well get a head start now."

Razor- contracted a rare form of Senioritis that involves Bronchitis, Diarrhea, and goofy lankiness. Spends most of his free time jealously critiquing the twitter accounts of his more successful peers in the media biz.

Steve- actually has been very calm about the end of his college career. Fame awaits him. These peasants will one day worship him. Always humble, Steve's only concern is how he can let as many women as possible get a piece of him before he departs, because it will be "something they can tell their grandkids someday".

Chazzing

Spending too much time locked inside with the same 10 guys in a disgusting house is dangerous for a number of reasons. For starters, there's a very strong chance 3 Floors 10 Doors was the breeding ground for the mumps outbreak at Fordham. The school wide virus and complete ineptitude of the Fordham Health Center is a story for another day, though. Today it's time to talk about a much more deadly epidemic that's been spreading through the house lately, known as Chazzing.

A Chaz is essentially a straight guy who frequently hangs out with a group of girls but has never and will never hook up with any of them. He's unintentionally "just one of the girls". 

Now there's absolutely nothing wrong with being friends with girls. Every normal guy that isn't a complete psychopath has girl friends. However, in a house of borderline chauvinistic men who love nothing more than tearing each other down, spending too much time with the ladies is a dangerous road to go down. It's completely childish, but it is unbearably embarrassing for an overly proud manly man to be called out for an act of Chazzing. It should be noted that this is not a term the guys invented, but one they have recently embraced and developed into more specific categories to better explain the phenomenon:

DJ Chazzy Jeff

"The Friends' Girlfriends Guy"

This type of Chaz spends more time hanging out with his friends' girlfriends than he does with his actual guy friends. One of the chazziest chazzes out there, DJ Chazzy Jeff doesn't even realize how unacceptable his behavior is and is blissfully ignorant to his crimes. Lately, if you want to know what Heisenberg is doing this weekend you're better off asking Sanchez. In all likelihood, he probably already made plans with Heisenberg's girlfriend during one of their many text convos. 

Chaz Michael Murray

"The Too Many Similar Interests Guy"

Chaz Michael Murray has way too much in common with a typical girl. His friends look on in disgust as he babbles to a group of ladies about the Kristin/Stephen/LC love triangle on Laguna Beach (Team LC 4 Lyfe!)  He's not using his extensive knowledge on popular girl topics to manipulate his way into their hearts but is perfectly content with their friendship. Ron is such a Chaz Michael Murray sometimes it's tough to witness. He watches Nashville religiously, creates handshakes with different girl friends, and on Friday nights can regularly be found dancing on the couches to One Direction.  He's passed the point of no return. 

Chaz Finster

"The Picture Guy"

Every weekend, Chaz Finster has a full blown photo session with his chicks. He doesn't care if he's their slave cameraman or front row center in the pics as long as they end up on Facebook and get AT LEAST 20 likes. Steve is undoubtedly the Chaz Finster of the house. He has perfected his corny smile and head tilt so well it's alarming. Last weekend he was asked to take a random group of Fordham girls' picture in Howl and spent so much time trying to get the perfect shot that by the time he turned back to his friends they had all gone home. That's the price you pay when you Chaz. 

Chaz OchoCinco

"The Social Media Guy"

Not to be confused with the picture guy, Chaz OchoCinco's interactions go way deeper than simple Facebook pictures. He loves tweeting, instagramming, and snapchatting all of his platonic female companions. He may even have a secret Pinterest set up, planning his perfect wedding. In a shocking revelation this past weekend, it was uncovered that Meatballs has been a closet Chaz OchoCinco for months, and maybe even years. His #1 SnapChat friend is one of his roommates' girlfriends and he sees nothing wrong with repeatedly sending her snaps when they the are in the same room as each other. True BFFs.

Chaz Bono

"The Desperate to Leave the Friend Zone Guy"

The most depressing, and common Chaz is Chaz Bono. The poor guy just cannot catch a break. He's done every single thing he could think of to free himself from the friend zone but the lady is just not having it. Every single man in the history of civilization has been a Chaz Bono at least once in his life. The moment a man goes from excitedly on the hunt for a girl to accepting his status as a permanent Chaz in her life is a sad, sad day. Please ladies, have some sympathy here and remember, only YOU can prevent Chaz Bonos.