Spring Breakers

Spring Break is essential to senior year. College students across the country need time off from their stressful daily routines of excessive drinking and laziness so they excessively drink and lounge in areas with warmer weather. It's the most hyped week of the college experience. What are often forgotten though are the preparations needed to make Spring Break happen, and the after-effects of such an irresponsible week. Let's take a look at how each house member spent the 3 weeks before, during, and after Spring Break:

Meatballs

Before- Spent the week before Spring Break starving himself to win the prestigious Weight Loss Challenge. 

During- His victory made him extremely cocky and he refused to put on a shirt the entire week in Cancun. When you have an award winning bod, you've earned the right to show off.

After- Now has second degree burns on his shoulder that are ironically too painful for him to even put a shirt back on. 

Howie

Before- Cried all week that he'd be missing out on his group text with Ron and Steve that will one day incriminate them all for various felonies. 

During- Puked every single day like a 14 year old girl who broke into her parents liquor cabinet. Also, was depressed his own girlfriend couldn't come to Cancun so the next best alternative was sexually harassing his friends' girlfriends. 

After- Praying that the various girlfriends' lawsuits don't hold up in court since they occurred in international waters. 

Ron

Before- Extremely bitter that he couldn't make it to Cancun, he resorted to reading everyone stories of the yearly spring break kidnappings and murders that occur.

During- Visited tropical Pennsylvania, on an all inclusive trip to his mom's couch. He lost more money gambling on college basketball than he would have spent if he hadn't cheaped out on the Cancun trip.

After- Hasn't really been the same since Aaron Carter unfollowed him on Twitter. How do you bounce back from that?

Steve

Before- Wouldn't stop talking about the "sexy little tan" he'd be getting while vacationing in Florida with Brandii and their kid. 

During- Sent a selfie to Ron every time he ate a cheeseburger that week. Ten total selfies were sent. 

After- Told everyone in the house to "frig off" and that he's "off the cheeseburgers now". The guys have seen him when he's off the cheeseburgers and that kid is definitely ON the cheeseburgers still.

Bosh

Before- Annoyed the hell out of the rest out of the house by trying to teach himself Spanish in the living room two days before the trip. 

During- Somehow managed to operate on Eastern Standard Time the entire vacation without noticing he was two hours ahead of everyone else.

After- He's in total denial that Spring Break is over and hasn't stopped drinking since. There's a solid chance the next post will be about his inevitable intervention. 

Heisenberg

Before- Tried to find as many ways as possible to not spend money in Cancun. You apparently can put a price tag on fun. 

During- Wore a bathing suit so short it could almost be described as a male thong. Horrifying. 

After- Hopefully regretting allowing his and Thor's girlfriends to take pictures of them jumping in the air and striking girly poses. Have some pride fellas. 

Sanchez

Before- Could not figure out why it was unacceptable to drive his Jeep to Cancun.

During- Trip was completely ruined when he was called ugly by a vicious tour guide named Alejandro.

After- Confidence has been totally shattered ever since and has been spotted several times checking himself out in the mirror muttering various curses about that bully Alejandro. 

Razor

Before- Booked the same trip as everyone else but in a different hotel with a better recycling policy because he's a dirty hipster.

During- Took so many sick pics making quirky faces in the club for Groupie #2's wittily named Facebook album: "It's Called CANcun not CANTcun LOL!!". Who says girls aren't funny?

After- Has explosive diarrhea that spices up the smell of the already rancid house.

Thor

Before- Mostly worried about fitting protein into his carry on bag and if the gym in his hotel would have enough free weights. 

During- Took as many douchey flexing pictures as he possibly could and was mistaken for Rocky Balboa by several Mexicans. 

After- Receiving plenty of deserved insults for his photo sessions and has locked himself in his room to have some "alone time" watching the Hercules trailer on repeat.

Boris

Before-  Was real mysterious about what his actual plans were and was making sure to say goodbye to everyone. Kinda concerning?

During- No clue. Hasn't actually made it back yet or contacted anyone.

After- He's almost certainly dead. RIP. 

The Bachelorette

Nobody in the house, not even the most whipped of boyfriends (cough, Howie, cough), has ever spent a single second watching The Bachelor or one of its many imitators. The boys can definitely respect the concept though. Nothing says true love like dating as many women as possible at the same time and humiliating them one by one in an elimination style tournament televised worldwide. The show's detractors say it celebrates untalented and shallow fame whores, but if this blog stands for anything it's glorifying the mediocrity of self-centered underachievers.

The guys want in on this action. If any big wigs over at ABC are reading this right now, 3 Floors 10 Doors has your whole next season of The Bachelorette planned out for you. A definitely not insane, certainly not brainless, and hopefully not picky bombshell moves into a house with 10 of the Bronx's most eligible studs and let the sparks fly. Here's a breakdown of how each of the guys would attempt to woo the lucky broad: 

First Cuts

Heisenberg- Voluntarily leaves the show within the first five minutes after seeing the super model bachelorette and deciding she's not even that hot. He's been brainwashed for so long that he's borderline asexual when it comes to other girls. The audience will love it though. Such a power move to diss the bachelorette on day one. 

Razor- Will restore the woman's confidence and provide the audience with comedic relief as he professes his love for her via poem. It will be so cheesy and embarrassing that he will be cut before he even gets to the part about loving her wacky socks. 

Boris- Convinces the girl to come back to his room on the first night but she panics and runs away once she realizes his room is a futon inside of a closet. After the first episode airs, the KGB recognizes him and he's immediately deported. 

Second Cuts

Howie- Attempts to execute the D.E.N.N.I.S. System that he picked up on from watching countless hours of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. He quickly fails at step one (demonstrating value) when the bachelorette realizes he provides absolutely no value besides giving obscure nicknames to his roommates that make no sense. 

Ron- Goes with the classic approach of being as mean as possible to the girl until she likes him which totally worked on his 7th grade girlfriend but has been extremely unsuccessful ever since. It's shockingly effective for about a week until the bachelorette drops him when she discovers he organized a house pool to gamble on the winner of the show. 

Bosh- Decides that talking as much as possible about how much money he's going to make at his hotshot banking job is the best attack plan. Unfortunately, this is the wrong move as a woman on reality television would NEVER be interested in money over finding a real emotional connection. 

Meatballs- Really hits it off well with the bachelorette and it seems like they have something special. He blows it though when on their two week anniversary, he decides to celebrate by making frozen dinner for the two of them to share in the kitchen while everyone else watches and heckles him from the living room. The women in the audience are disgusted by his lack of chivalry and in hindsight he realizes he should have taken her out to eat for the nice meal she deserves.

Finals 

Thor- Made it to the final round because the show runners had to keep the only in-shape house member around to satisfy the female fan base. His inability to read and form words ultimately doom him in this competition, although that apparently makes him an ideal candidate to be next season's Bachelor. 

Sanchez- The fan favorite of the season. What girl wouldn't cheer for the nice, sweet guy who treats the bachelorette right at every stage of the contest? He's a real life Prince Charming who just wants to give his dream girl the fairy tale wedding she's been fantasizing about her whole life. Unfortunately, this is the real world and nice guys finish last. She crushes his heart and an entire nation of women who have done the exact same thing at some point in their lives fake outrage and shock over the decision. 

Steve- This was never really a competition. Ladies love the bad boy. Steve, who goes exclusively by Beer Drinker now, wins the bachelorette's heart on day one with the North Face vest and dad jeans combo that has induced butterflies for countless women before her. She proposes lustily and he accepts, only to leave her stranded at the altar on their wedding day. He tried giving her a chance but she could never compare to his cougar neighbor Brandii and their illegitimate son, Buster, that he has been hiding all season. Plot twist of the century. 

Lent

It may come as a shock to some, but the men of the house are not without their flaws (singing in the shower, volunteering too much, etc.). These vices can all be corrected though with some hard work. For 10 good Catholic boys, Lent beginning on Wednesday is the perfect time to start working on these weaknesses. Lent is a time for sacrifice and denying yourself things that make you happy because that's what God wants, or something like that. Here's what each house member should be giving up over the next 40 days:

Meatballs- playing cards. For the past few weeks, every second that he hasn’t been diligently working on his math homework in an academically honest manner, Meatballs has been organizing shady card games with anyone he can find. It’s a real addiction that is no laughing matter since he will be heading to AC this weekend, likely to lose his entire life savings in ten minutes. 

Razor- his high horse. He fancies himself a high brow movie critic and wine connoisseur. However, after a weekend spent getting kicked out of Manhattan bars for greasy behavior and incorrectly guessing every single Oscar winner, it’s time for Razor to finally admit he’s just common street trash.  

Thor- taking his shirt off at parties. It’s freezing outside and the heat in the house barely works. Nobody’s buying his “Is it hot in here or is it just me?” line anymore. 

Ron- texting girls that "don't like him like that". He's been embarrassing himself with this bad habit for months now and above shows a candid shot of him Friday night, desperately attempting to escape the friend zone but being Marshawn Lynch'd. 

Boris-blacking out for entire weekends and claiming someone else peed in his trash can. Pretty self explanatory. 

Howie- barging into people's rooms unannounced. The Kramer of the house, Howie has absolutely no fear when bursting into another man's room. In a dump of a house with doors that don't lock, this often has unwanted consequences. 

Bosh- drinking. This one isn't funny at all. He should really cut back on the drinking. 

Heisenberg- zip-up sweatshirts with no undershirt. In general, the house supports flaunting chest hair, but this move is too savage and diabolical to let slide. Stop scaring the kids, man.

Sanchez- remixes. With the exception of R. Kelly's, "Ignition", never in the history of music has a remix been better than the original version of a song. Despite his insistence that "I swear you'll love it, bro", no one ever actually loves it and everyone just prays he puts on Randy Houser again. 

Steve- smoothness. Yes, you read that correctly. Steve has been so smooth with the ladies lately that it is actually negatively affecting his life. He's been breaking hearts left and right and has decided that he needs to tone down the quick witted humor and suave hair for the good of the Fordham community. He's the hero Fordham girls deserve, but not the one they need right now.