The Real Oscars

The 86th Academy Awards will be held this Sunday. This gaudy, self serving, and culturally irrelevant excuse to talk about how cool Jennifer Lawrence is will dominate the TV ratings even though everyone will be complaining about how boring it is the entire time. The 3 Floors men are an incredibly lazy bunch that somehow found the time to watch almost every single Oscar nominated movie, so they will also be tuned in and loudly debating their selections. Unfortunately, the Academy doesn't take into account that "Amy Adams had the side-boob of the century" in American Hustle or that "win or lose Leo will always be hotter than McConaughey" so the guys' cultured opinions will be for naught. So instead of dwelling on the biased choices of a bunch of old white guys, let's re-imagine some of these Oscar nominees starring everyone's favorite house.

6 Years a Boyfriend*
Starring Heisenberg/Skyler and Howie/Mrs. Howie. This movie starts out as a cheesy but exciting rom-com as two high school couples meet and fall in love. Eventually though, everyone settles in and literally nothing exciting happens ever again. In year 3, the plot revolves around nightly Skype chats, learning to fart in front of each other, and splitting Valentine's Day dinner checks. The crowd either walks out or falls asleep by year 5 during a Bed, Bath, and Beyond vs. Bath and Body Works debate.

The Wolf of Mugz's
Steve stars in this biopic of a once no-named transfer who rises up to become the most eligible bachelor at the Bronx's most exclusive night club. It was no easy road though. Steve had to shotgun countless 12 packs of Natty Light, tell elaborate lies about his status as an international business man, and backstab his closest friends to achieve Mugz's supremacy. The audience loves the thrilling tale until the last half hour when Steve starts slurring his words and no one understands what he's saying.

Despicable Ron 2
Ron recalls his embarrassing actions of the weekend directly into the camera while waiting for the sheets he peed the night before to dry at the laundromat. He explains that he usually doesn't drink that much, girls usually don't ignore his texts, and that he usually doesn't spend $30 at 7-11 on taquitos, mozzarella sticks, and mini tacos. The crowd does not laugh with him but at him and a few try to retroactively call F.U.E.M.S. on him.

Jordan Buyers Club
Sanchez, dying from his fatal Jordan sneaker addiction, starts selling his collection out of his spotless black Jeep. He's on his deathbed when he sells his final pair, coincidentally to whoever SportsCenter just hired as their newest anchor/babe. They feel a connection, she helps him recover, and they live happily ever after. No one in the audience can resist crying after this corny chick flick.

American Muscle
FBI agent/body builder, Thor, must save the world when President Bosh gets captured by the evil dictator Boris. There's ten car chase scenes, two national monuments destroyed, and plenty of lame catch phrases. The good guy obviously wins the fight. There's a major plot twist though when Thor realizes Bosh wasn't actually captured he just went on a week long bender in Manhattan. The audience wishes they hadn't wasted their time.

*Nobody is actually comparing 12 Years a Slave to a relationship. That would be idiotic and offensive.

Mugz's vs. Howl

Throughout the past four years in the Bronx, several bars have come and gone. Freshman year, Tinkers served its purpose as the first place Fordham students embarrassed themselves in college. Sophomore year, despite shady, neck-tattooed owners, Ziggy's provided a solid alternative and the nickname for the corners of 189th and Arthur (Tri-Bar) actually made sense. Junior year, The Blend quickly rose to prominence due to ample space, expired keg beer, and most importantly, glorious couches surrounding the dance floor. Unfortunately, these former hot spots are now either irrelevant to the average senior or closed for their seedy dealings.

Only two bars have withstood the test of time, Mugz's and Howl at the Moon. Besides hosting Drink Ups that aren't even good deals, the two bars could not be more different. Very few people spend an equal amount of time in both places. At this point of senior year, like it or not, you can probably be classified as either a Mugz's or Howl person. The men of 3 Floors 10 Doors© are no different. They have developed their own preferences while noticing very specific traits of those who frequent each watering hole. Let's take a look at what a Fordham student MIGHT assume if you claim to be a Mugz's or Howl enthusiast.

Howl

Guys:

Being a Howl man first and foremost means you are generally more wealthy than your Mugz's counterparts. You are willing to wait in line in the freezing cold to pay a ridiculous cover charge and consider the nightly shake downs from the high school drop outs bouncers a small price to pay. You are most likely an upperclassman and spend half of your time talking about how the bars in the city that you go to with the other JP Morgan interns have way better craft beers. Your ultimate goal for the night is to circle the dance floor 5-20 times before aggressively dancing on a random girl and hoping a sloppy make out ensues before names are even exchanged.

Razor's Quote: "I just go for the hot dogs."

Girls:

The ladies of Howl are a mix of classy husband hunters and girls showing off the twerking skills they've been practicing in the mirror all week. You are usually incredibly overdressed for a night out in the Bronx and flirt your way out of paying the cover. There's a good chance you've fallen in and out of love with several Fordham athletes from a distance without ever speaking to them. Your ideal night involves provocatively dancing with your friends and acting astonished and repulsed any time a brave guy attempts to butt in. One of your friends will inevitably start crying and force the entire group to leave.

Heisenberg's Quote: "The only girl I've ever spoken to at Howl is my girlfriend so yeah, I'm a fan."

Mugz's

Guys:

The men of Mugz's are low maintenance to a fault. You don't have time for covers and lines because you're a cheap bastard and Suits is too busy creeping girls out to check IDs.  You have accepted that you will have no female interaction for the night. There's a very real possibility you've contracted West Nile virus after one trip to the bathroom. You didn't realize Fordham had a Rugby team and have no idea what they did to justify naming a 2 square foot corner after them. Your dream night involves no one spilling their entire pitcher of beer on your back and no girls paying ten dollars to play Justin Bieber on the jukebox for the next hour.

Ron's Quote- "Have I ever had fun at Mugz's? No. Will I be at Mugz's Friday? Yes."


Girls:

A Mugz's girl is a rare breed. Most of you are only there because you vomited all over the dance floor in Howl last weekend or your boyfriend is bartending. You appreciate the side door and lax re-entry policy because that pack of heaters tucked into your bra isn't going to smoke itself. You can't tell if the guy who just elbowed you in the face was trying to dance with you or desperately trying to escape this hole in the wall. You should be ashamed of yourself any time you hook up with a Mugz's guy. Your perfect night involves leaving as soon as possible and hoping to sneak into Howl.

Steve's Quote- "I'll never understand why more attractive girls don't come to Mugz's. Why be the 20th best looking girl at Howl when you can be the star of the show here? It's simple supply and demand."

The Bronx Olympics

The Sochi Olympics kicked off Friday night with an elaborate opening ceremony. This was a great opportunity for Vladimir Putin and Russia to put on a show for the rest of the world and they did not disappoint. Highlights included endangering a small child's life by dangling her hundreds of feet in the air by a string, and a parade of selfie-taking, unrecognizable athletes that live in places too cold for normal sports. Most importantly, they totally nailed the unveiling of the iconic Olympic Rings.

After seeing how quickly and lazily someone could throw together an Olympics, the guys decided they were fully capable of doing the same. Unfortunately, the whole house couldn't make it. Razor was busy at the Masters Agility Championship at Westminster (?). He's rumored to have entered his french poodle named Lorillard into the dog show, only to have her tossed out of the competition due to PED use. Nonetheless, Razor will always love Lorillard more than his roommates.

The finest athletes the Bronx has to offer were brought in to compete in this once in a lifetime event. The competitors who love freedom, the NFL, and worshipping celebrities were placed on Team USA, and those who prefer oppression, losing space races, and names with too many consecutive consonants were placed on Team Soviet Union. 

Team USA- Heisenberg, Howie, Ron, local rapper J-Roc, Groupie #1, and 3 role players.

Team USSR- Thor, Boris (obviously), Meatballs, Sanchez, Groupie #3, Skyler and 2 scrubs.

VS

Meatballs and Ron were chosen by their teammates as captains. Actually, Meatballs was chosen. Ron just taped a piece of paper with a C to his shirt and named himself captain because of his severe Napoleon Complex and need to feel better than his peers. 

Event #1- The Soviets got off to a hot start and sniped off some USA players with their guerrilla warfare cup-flipping tactics. Thor roared, "I MUST BREAK YOU" several times. He was soon thwarted though when Heisenberg, Groupie #1, and J-Roc went bananas mid game (reminding fans of the Bash Brothers and Kenny Wu in the 1994 Junior Goodwill Games) to give the USA a huge lead. The game could have ended in a blowout but Heisenberg felt bad and let Skyler win a few before delivering the finishing blow. 1-0 USA.

Event #2- This was a rapid fire 3 vs 3 shooting contest that required strategy and team chemistry. The description alone should make it obvious who won. The Soviet brutes tried to bully the USA players with an intimidating lineup of Sanchez, Thor, and Meatballs, but Howie went on a Rambo-eque shooting spree to put the USA on his back. 2-0 USA.

Event #3- Things got dicey when what was supposed to be a simple guessing game turned into treachery worse than the 1972 Olympic Basketball Scandal. KGB agent Boris and the conniving Groupie #3 developed a master plan to rig the game in their favor and the US took its first loss of the night. 2-1 USA.

Event #4- This event was a relay race involving all players, designed to test their basic motor skills at a time when very few were still coherent. The Soviets employed more shady tactics, subbing in more "focused" players for their aforementioned scrubs. They overpowered the worn down Americans and tied up the game up at 2-2. 

Event #5- The grand finale. No description is necessary because everyone was too lazy to think of a new game, so they just repeated Event 4. The difference this time though, was that Captain Ron gathered his troops and delivered a speech that will go down in history. Check out the footage...

Needless to say the US destroyed the Commies, established democracy throughout the world, and World Peace was achieved. More importantly though, Team USA will forever cherish the one Gold Medal they now share, which is actually a peanut butter cap, colored in gold, and attached to a lanyard. USA! USA! USA!

Rethinking Women and the Super Bowl

Ever since George Washington and his boys dominated the British, stole the name of their favorite sport, and made it significantly more violent and entertaining, Super Bowl Sunday has been the biggest Man Day of the year in America. They wisely scheduled this event to occur in early February in order to have one last day of happiness before Hallmark's manipulative cash cow known as Valentine's Day. Thus, GW and the fellas established an equilibrium between men and women during the cold month of February that had previously ruined countless relationships. 

Now because Super Bowl Sunday is so important to mankind, it has been widely assumed that women are not intended to take part in, or enjoy, the day to the same extent. As staunch feminists and Title IX supporters, the boys of the house decided to invite some girls over to test this outdated theory during the big game. Now it should be noted that this was an absolutely terrible idea. The house has limited seating space and a TV that is similar in size and HD quality to an Etch-A-Sketch. Nonetheless, this was for science and needed to be done. 

A full hour before game time, the ladies quickly demonstrated their value and proved that they earned their spots on the couch. Each group provided crucial elements to the feast. Skyler and her swarm of boyfriend loving friends started things off with some top notch Mac and Cheese. That was probably enough food for everyone, but the Super Bowl is about America, and America is about gluttony, so the boys persevered. 

The next course was an A+ buffalo chicken dip that lasted about 3 minutes and was made by a girl who may or may not be the house's indentured servant. She cooked, cleaned the bathrooms, and didn't even stay for the game. Great performance. 

The MVP award goes to The Groupies (we're capitalizing that now). They collectively destroyed the entire Weight Loss Challenge with burrito bowls that could put Chipotle out of business. Anyone who actually finished theirs has since put this accomplishment on their resumé. 

If delicious food isn't enough to convince you that women are essential to a Super Bowl party, their hard hitting analysis of the game itself should change your mind. This specific party had a solid mix of girls who regularly watch football and others who were watching their first game of the year. The following quotes kept the game interesting even when the players couldn't:

• "Do people in Denver ever call the Broncos the Bronkies? They should."-Groupie #2 renaming teams before kickoff. 
• "I don't think they should run into each other like that. Football probably hurts." -Groupie #1 solving football's concussion problem.
• "Oh look at the bird! That's like a Harry Potter thing, right?"- Boyfriend girl #1 after a live sea hawk is shown onscreen.
• "The Bronkies just aren't in it to win it. They should try harder"-Groupie #2 with an inspiring halftime speech. 
• "What do you guys think of unmarried couples living together?"-Boyfriend girl #2 sparking a riveting debate for the entire fourth quarter. 

So there you have it. Food and entertainment. Those are the two reasons that females are not only tolerated, but embraced during the ultimate Man Day. Congrats ladies. Can an entire house share the Nobel Prize for this research?

The Weight Loss Challenge

The majority of the house members will be going on Spring Break in Cancún this year. The only downside to this is that the majority of the house members also have beach bodies similar to Cousin Terio. To combat this issue, the boys have started a Biggest Loser-esque challenge to see who can lose the highest percentage of weight before Spring Break (March 17th).

This challenge has been a constant source of entertainment for the rest of the house. Apparently, eating 3 slices of buffalo chicken pizza is even more satisfying while in front of a friend whose girlfriend plans his diet at Whole Foods. It is also universally accepted that if the guys toned down their drinking, just a bit, they'd be able to drop out of school immediately and get a head start on their male modeling careers. Unfortunately, that's just out of the question. 

*The house groupies are also participating in this contest but no one in the history of mankind has talked about a girl's weight on the Internet and lived to tell the tale, so let's just leave them out of this.

Here's a look at everyone's plan of action and why they have no chance to succeed:

Howie

Strategy- Insanity workout program. He also firmly believes that wearing tank tops around the house in January will somehow trick his body into looking better in them when it's time to shine. 

Why It Will Fail- His chances of completing Insanity are about the same as Kim Kardashian's chances of being canonized by the Catholic Church.

Prediction- Loses 6.8%


Bosh

Strategy-  Looking to get abs that are ripped to shreds just as one would imagine Chris Bosh's to be. 

Why It Will Fail- He's putting absolutely no effort into this. It's almost admirable, really.

Prediction- Gains 0.1%


Heisenberg

Strategy-  Invented his own diet that he only needs to do two days a week.

Why It Will Fail- Seriously, he's only dieting twice a week. 

Prediction- Loses 5.2%

Meatballs

Strategy- No one actually knows what he's doing to lose weight. Really might just be mentally willing the pounds away so he doesn't lose to his girlfriend (Groupie #1).

Why It Will Fail- His nickname is Meatballs. Is it even dieting when your portion sizes would put Joey Chestnut to shame?

Prediction- Loses 6.9%

Razor

Strategy- Almost definitely cheated on the initial weigh-in. Goes for early morning "gym sessions" that are "so cheddar" but have no actual witnesses. Doubling his Guac' intake. 

Why It Will Fail- He will get complacent now that he's locked up his girlfriend (Groupie #2) and will pack on the pounds.

Prediction- Disqualification once evidence of foul play is discovered. 

Sanchez

Strategy- Actually attempting to gain weight so no one confuses him for a lost child. Bacon, Egg and Cheeses with Milkshakes for breakfast. 

Why It Will Fail- Science. It's just not happening. Scrawny for life. 

Prediction- Gains 0.0%

First Party of 2014

Once every few weeks, the guys realize that they have no desire to leave the house and decide to throw a party. Coming to this decision is a complicated process that involves extensive planning along the lines of: "There's nothing to do tonight, let's just have a party", and everyone grunting in agreement. Once that long winded debate is settled, each roommate has a role in spreading the word.

Here's who each roommate is responsible for inviting:

Bosh- The majority of the girls and Chris Bosh.

Heisenberg- His girlfriend (let's call her Skylar) and Skylar's friends who somehow all have boyfriends.

Razor- 10-20 guys who are all a threat to break something in the house. 

Boris- Some local rappers/possible homeless people.

Meatballs- 4 girls who could technically be considered house groupies. 

Thor- 1-2 other large men.

Steve- His friend from home whose Howl conquests have been well documented by innocent bystanders. 

Howie- Honors program girls who are way too smart to talk to any of the guys.

Sanchez-hopefully the future Mrs. Sanchez

Ron-3-5 girls he met one time that have zero chance of actually showing up.

Friday marked the first party of the semester. Let's check out the highlights:

11:00- Not a single person has shown up yet. Everyone starts feeling a little embarrassed even though this happens every party. Fordham definitely holds some national record for the latest starting parties in the country. 

11:15- The girlfriends of roommates and other regulars start filing in. 

11:20- Games start on the table while Ron's playlist, consisting of 80% Rap and 20% One Direction, blares in the living room.

11:30- Everyone breathes a sigh of relief as people who aren't morally obligated to come start showing up. 

11:40- Razor's friends arrive.

11:42- Razor's friends take their first group cigarette break. 

12:00- Ron starts calling his shots in beer pong and proceeds to miss every single one. His loyal teammate Heisenberg is not pleased. 

12:10- Boris disappears with his crew upstairs, most likely to rap battle. 

12:35- Meatballs and Howie peer pressure Steve into challenging one of Razor's friends to a shotgunning contest. They both finish their beers faster than humanly possible but Steve loses on a controversial decision. Needless to say, the babes were still impressed. 

12:46- The playlist is cut off abruptly and the party is silenced. It's time for the house anthem and only country song that ever graces the guys' speakers. Guests are required to sing along at the top of their lungs or are asked to leave immediately. 

1:00- Thor starts hanging out in the kitchen, thus there is no longer room for anyone else in the kitchen.

1:10- Meatballs throws up in the bathroom and blames it on his new diet regimen. Not a single person believes him. 

1:15- The whole party realizes Razor has officially begun dating one of the aforementioned house groupies. Another one bites the dust.

1:25- Steve forgets the name of the girl he's been chatting up on the couch all night. She storms out in disgust. Classic Steve. 

1:45-2:00- The rest of the party slowly starts clearing out searching for greener pastures at the bar where they will inevitably be letdown and forced to stuff their faces with pizza to end the night, again. Ahhh Fordham. 

Meet the Boys

Welcome to 3 Floors 10 Doors! Throughout the spring semester, this blog will chronicle the lives of ten college seniors living together in the Bronx. The names of the roommates (including the author) will be altered to maintain some level of anonymity, as many future posts would shame their parents and render them utterly unemployable. Disappointed parents aside, everything said here is meant in jest and the whole house approves of the idea. 

Let's start off with a quick bio of each guy:

First Floor

Heisenberg

Came out of the womb with a girlfriend. Has spent more time on his homework this week than Ron has in four years. Exclusively watches Spike TV. Somehow snaked his way into the best room in the house. Like, really, really loves his girlfriend. 

Meatballs

Way too nice of a guy to make fun of in this blog. Asks “Are you gonna finish that?” before you even start eating your meal. Still hasn’t finished Breaking Bad. Once had a batch of flatulence that completely ruined a house party.

Razor

Voted for Obama. Uncomfortably tall. Salad eater. Muppets enthusiast. Rides a scooter around the Bronx. Will make an excellent stay-at-home-dad someday.

Second Floor

Thor

Did not vote for Obama. Spends more time lifting than sleeping. Could win a 1 vs 9 fight against the rest of the house. Only watches movies when the fate of the world is at risk. Actually thinks he’s Thor. 

Boris

                                                                     

Possibly  Definitely a Russian Spy. Sleeps in a borderline closet. Frequents Kennedy Fried Chicken. Confuses everyone when he starts talking about hockey.

Steve

Ladies man. Movie Star quality hair. Voice of an angel. Most likely roommate to lose his job over a selfie. Named his room “The Thunderdome”.  Mugzs Hall of Famer. Wears hunting gear. Has never actually hunted.

Sanchez

Helpless romantic. Follows an alarming amount of twitter parody accounts. Would absolutely marry his Jeep if the government would let him. Has more sneakers than the rest of the house combined. Fist pumps on the dance floor and not just to be funny. 

Basement

Ron

Self proclaimed house alpha male.  Top notch chest hair. Has never eaten Chinese food. One Direction’s oldest male fan. Bed wetter extraordinaire. 

Bosh

Huge Chris Bosh fan. Most fashionable member of the house. VIP access to every club in Manhattan. Somehow still uses a desktop computer. Destroys his brain cells with techno music. 

Howie

Overly aggressive tickler. Sense of humor is about as mature as the kids from the AT&T commercials. Holds several iPhone game world records. Makes everyone uncomfortable when he wears his wife beater shirts around the house.