Awards

In the coming weeks, seniors around the country will be rewarded for four years of hard work and dedication at their respective graduation ceremonies. The achievements are impressive and deserve recognition. Anyone willing to put in the time and effort to be the best at what they do should be proud of themselves.

In reality though, who cares? Anyone outside of the immediate family of an award winner will be completely apathetic to the entire ceremony. Five years from now you can guarantee no one will remember the 2014 Fordham University "Francis R. Favorini Italian Achievement Award" winner but you better believe people will remember the time Steve poured a full beer on his head, flexed for the babes, and leaped from the couch to the coffee table, completely shattering the wooden furniture with the power of his man meat.

If you spent 100% of your time in college focused on school work, good for you. You're probably going to be wildly successful in whatever you do. You missed out, though. There's legitimate value in being a piece of shit and embarrassing yourself in public sometimes. What's the point of getting the perfect job, finding that swanky apartment in the city, and climbing the corporate ladder if at the end of the day there's no one around to make fun of you for your horrifying history of Mugz's girls? So here's the awards for guys who will not be recognized on graduation day but will be dozing off in the crowd, incredibly hungover and shameful:

Biggest Snake- Meatballs

Shockingly not a sexual pun, this award goes to the most successful fake nice guy of all time. Nobody openly dislikes Meatballs, with the exception of every single one of his roommates. He has somehow tricked the rest of the world into thinking he's a great guy, but the boys know he will stab you in the back to win a meaningless card game and thoroughly enjoys seeing his friends fail. You can't really hate on his style though, snake it til you make it.


Most Likely To Be Put On Trial For War Crimes-Thor

Sure, it would be great to see Thor go on to achieve his dream of becoming a Navy SEAL, saving American lives and protecting innocent people worldwide. Realistically though, it's much more likely that he exercises his roid rage with an AK-47 on an innocent bystander who looks at him funny and ends up in prison. Patriotism!

Most Nagging Nagger- Howie

Howie is the master of annoying the crap out of his roommates. Whether it's peer pressure, sexual harassment, or just general shaming, Howie will get on your nerves until you give in to his demands no matter what the cost. Even physical violence doesn't deter him as that's just an excuse for him to start tickling you and making you feel even more uncomfortable.

Most Likely To Get Divorced First-Ron

Ron will not be having a grad party this summer but that has not stopped him from planning his next big post college bash. 10-15 years from now, after his genius invention Butt Deodorant makes him filthy rich, he has vowed to divorce his first wife, who clearly married him for the dough, to upgrade to a younger model. To celebrate this glorious occasion (he obviously will make her sign a prenup) the boys will reunite in Vegas for the divorce party of a lifetime.


Greasiest Bastard- Boris

Being greasy is what this house is all about. Greasiness comes in all shapes and sizes but it really just means you're willing to be as dirty/shady as possible to have fun. It's as low maintenance as it gets. Boris drinks forties and cheap Russian vodka, he's had a black eye for like six months, he takes job interviews across the country for positions he has no interest in, just to get an all expenses paid vacation, and he frequents the local Mexican restaurant that illegally turns into a bar on weekends. That's grea-hee-heesy.

Most Likely To Hyphenate His Last Name- Heisenberg

No surprises here. Heisenberg is slowly counting down the days until he becomes Mr. Skyler White. It's his destiny. He'll probably just marry her on Ron's divorce trip to Vegas to avoid paying for a reception but if not, hopefully they'll allow the guys to bring couches to stand on for more aggressive dancing.

Most Popular- Bosh

"Hey guys just so you know you probably won't be seeing me for three straight days this weekend. So many parties I need to hit." At this point the rest of the house just feels #blessed whenever Bosh graces them with his presence. He's got so many friends and events that it's really nice of him to hang around the little people every once in a while. Usually just to sleep, but still. 

Liberal-est Liberal- Razor

Also known as the Barry Obama award. Razor should be commended for his commitment to socialism  and equality for all people, even the lazy ones. Riding his scooter around instead of a car has saved countless trees. If you want to find him on campus he loves nothing more than hanging on Eddie's with the rest of his people, probably kicking a hackey sack around and blaming his problems on George W. Bush.

Also, Razor is the winner of the "Junior Soprano/Jon Snow Award" for best taste in food.

The Steven Spielbro Award-Sanchez

Without Sanchez, the Snapchat world would be completely ignorant to the debauchery that occurs inside the 3 Floors 10 Doors domicile. He has mastered the art of capturing Ron screaming at everyone to shut the hell up during the "a little bit softer now" part of "Shout" and his video collection is a bonafide contender to take down the Best Documentary award at next year's Oscars.


Most Likely To Be Famous- Steve

You had to see this one coming. The hair, the swagger, the beer belly. The kid is the ultimate triple threat. Not to mention the golden voice that will be floating from your television speakers for years to come. Unfortunately, his roommates will ultimately be his demise as they have vowed to destroy him by leaking his deepest darkest secrets (mainly his love child with Brandii).  No matter what the guys leak though, it's doubtful that the ladies will ever be able to resist his carnal vibes.